News

The Army Of Skanks That Will Be On This Season Of “The Bachelor” Has Been Released

It’s the most wonderful time of the year: Bachelor time. Now that we’ve had a chance to recover from the doozy that was JoJo’s season, it’s time for us to fixate our attention on a new group of crazy people. Unfortunately, every single girl looks exactly the same as usual, but they each have super special qualities that make them barely discernible from the next. There are two Danielles, two Elizabeths, and two Jasmines, and at least eleven of them are direct clones of each other. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Alexis, 23, aspiring dolphin trainer, Secaucus, NJ

aec56874-e516-42db-a961-aa7a23441209

She’s like a horse girl, but worse. She’s a dolphin girl. It’s a whole new breed of crazy. Expect her to believe she is actually a mermaid and do weird shit like sleep in the pool.

Angela, 26, model, Greenville, SC

b87d4860-9d44-4f40-a571-e04e126d13c4

She’s a model in South Carolina, which makes her a New York 6.

Astrid, 26, plastic surgery office manager, Tampa, FL

cb89774e-819f-4ba4-bb0e-210219e7af47

I will not be able to take her seriously with that name. All I can think of is the episode of The Office where Michael pronounces Astrid as “Ass-turd.” Classic comedy.

Briana, 28, surgical unit nurse, Salt Lake City, UT

24c4a640-41a1-404a-865b-73a9c35461c6

This girl looks INTENSE. Don’t cross this bitch or she’ll shoulder check you into the next galaxy.

Brittany, 26, travel nurse, Santa Monica, CA

492775d2-1028-4a71-ba3b-da3cfa9d2e39

She’s kinda cute I guess. I think she’ll ride her sweetness factor pretty far into the competition and ultimately get shit on. Nice girls finish last.

Christen, 25, wedding videographer, Tulsa, OK

82ef49b7-9afe-4a10-b69a-a2482a7cc839

She does not have a real name or a real job. I do not see a bright future for this girl. On this show and in general.

Corrine, 24, business owner, Miami, FL

a8c725c3-1509-48c1-a525-80efe56bea15

ABC says she’s a business owner, other sources say she’s an aspiring model, I say she’s a ditz.

Danielle L., 27, small business owner, Los Angeles, CA

c61a1b7b-53b6-41c2-b9e9-912424d057d3

I can’t get a read on her, which means she’ll be gone in the first two weeks.

Danielle M., 31, neonatal nurse, Nashville, TN

ccebc1f8-6de7-426b-943d-546aae9acb5c

Her Instagram says she’s a model and not a nurse, so that pretty much sums up where her priorities are at.

Dominique, 25, restaurant server, Los Angeles, CA

6845da3f-f753-4806-aff7-c6670f2ee6db

She’s gonna stick around for a bit. She’s cute but not threatening, interesting but not overpowering. Excellent strategy.

Elizabeth (“Liz”), 29, doula, Las Vegas, NV

6bc3647f-f88d-481b-a7bb-c5cc4268721e

She’s going by “Liz” so that she isn’t confused with the other Elizabeth, but that won’t stop her from being confused with every other brunette in the house.

Elizabeth, 24, marketing manager, Dallas, TX

4c77e56d-c407-4ec8-97c0-3ec1aa39818b

If this girl is able to form a coherent sentence, I will be shocked.

Hailey, 23, photographer, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

345da5af-f110-4a0b-be10-6a2c2f92c32c

This girl doesn’t have resting bitch face, she has resting cunt face. Something about her is so punchable.

Ida Marie, 23, sales manager, Harlingen, TX

c4c4d226-b90a-4828-9f5c-08f3c0723619

It’s so nice that Ida Marie’s mom signed the permission slip to let her on the show. She has to be home before her bedtime though. She has homework to do.

Jaimi, 28, chef, New Orleans, LA

f6608486-7740-4253-9ea1-3659cf149b80

I want to see an all out smackdown between Jaimi and Broad Shoulders Briana. Ratings would be through the roof.

Jasmine B., 25, flight attendant, Tacoma, WA

8c9be474-0014-4317-a7eb-8582c831548e

If this girl came up to me on an airplane and offered me some pretzels, I would jump out the door. I look like a steaming dumpster next to her, there’s no way I could be on the same plane as her.

Jasmine G., 29, pro basketball dancer, San Francisco, CA

51593ade-3776-4796-853f-9399f985c019

She is absolutely beautiful. Almost too beautiful. It’s a little suspicious.

Josephine, 24, unemployed nurse, Santa Cruz, CA

d2903b10-8b8a-4855-9883-481355058aa8

Wtf is an unemployed nurse? Do you have a job or don’t you? If she’s an unemployed nurse, then I’m an unemployed pop star.

Kristina, 24, dental hygienist, Lexington, KY

306e7ff2-16bf-4689-9070-9c4c8df0567c

She’s either winning or getting her own season. She just has that look.

Lacey, 25, digital marketing manager, Manhattan, NY

e0b3941f-8282-4e87-ad6a-4ea2e8aaa312

She’s getting down in the Fantasy Suites for sure.

Lauren, 30, law school graduate, Naples, FL

42e9165b-bd7c-48d2-a509-f7aff79c0ac7

There’s no season of The Bachelor without a blonde named Lauren, but again, what’s up with these wishy washy job titles? She graduated law school but now what? She has some explaining to do.

Michelle, 24, food truck owner, Los Angeles, CA

dcb407e9-f269-48cc-81f8-f01772e006a0

She wins coolest job. I want to know more about this girl. I have a good feeling about her.

Olivia, 25, apparel sales representative, Nashville, TN

35f4189d-eeb9-457d-8245-7c86ef7d02f3

Hmm, apparel sales representative. What a fancy title for Instagram model.

Rachel, 31, attorney, Dallas, TX

2d503b63-d194-4aaf-98ff-e5f6eaf3ebff

I predict this girl will start the most fights solely based on her career. Someone’s gotta stir the pot.

Raven, 25, fashion boutique owner, Hoxie, AR

67966c78-2811-4f4d-a57f-0c530daff25d

She’ll be the first to kiss Nick. You can just tell.

Sarah, 26, grade school teacher, Newport Beach, CA

3ca9fafc-d234-414c-a2f0-c15059111520

She is going to be an audience favorite. With her cute little hair and her cute little elementary school kids, everyone is going to feel bad for her when Nick picks a hotter girl.

Susannah, 26, account manager, San Diego, CA

565e009b-a207-4f9d-875b-c63475ef819a

She’s not making it through the first week.

Taylor, 23, mental health counselor, Seattle, WA

075231bc-2cc7-4ca8-b802-cb2c7d15becc

She is good with psychology, so I can’t wait to see her play mind games with the rest of the cast. Backhanded compliments galore.

Vanessa, 29, special education teacher, Montreal, Quebec, Canada

042babac-eca3-433f-9309-5a9fa4802d12

Something on her face looks desperate. Like this is her last resort before her eggs dry up. I expect she is going to cry the most.

Whitney, 25, Pilates instructor, Chanhassen, MN

1091a282-5400-4762-a4ee-04522bdeb8ba

Ooo, very flexible. I’m sure guys LOVE it.

Let the games begin.

[via ABC]

Images via ABC

Email this to a friend

Ali Hin

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to sratbroTSM@gmail.com or by smoke signal.

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

New Stories

Load More