That awkward, depressing period of time after a breakup, no matter how short or long, is a confusing time for a young lady. On the one hand, you feel liberated. On the other hand, you feel the need to sob hysterically while repeatedly scrolling through every tagged picture of him because you are not going to get the enormous, emerald cut diamond engagement ring you had blatantly pinned for him to see. Also, your babies would have just been so amazingly gorgeous. Anyway, at first it seems that the bad outweighs the good, but with time and some fucking a little common sense, you will begin to realize that your life is quite all right. In fact, it is a million times better because, guess what, you don’t have to deal with the following male-induced bullshit that is called “having a boyfriend.” You may even forget why you were dating him in the first place.
You won’t have to…
1. watch dumb sports games that you don’t care about.
2. shave your legs because someone wants to get frisky even though you’re clearly wearing leggings to bed for a reason.
3. worry about him trying to fight any gentleman fellow that looks at you while at the bar.
4. refrain from dancing with gentleman fellows that look at you while at the bar.
5. take care of him when he gets too drunk.
6. make sure you don’t get too drunk to take care of him when he’s too drunk.
7. help him do chores (that you did only out of niceness, not because you were his bitch).
8. be his bitch anymore.
9. make him really crafty coolers, mugs, and koozies that he ends up ruining anyway.
10. pretend to looooove giving blow jobs.
You’ll no longer hear about…
1. his stupid video games.
2. how much he’d really like to try anal.
3. how you’re moving too fast and you don’t need to be Facebook official.
4. how you need to help him cheat on the test he never studied for.
5. how pissed he is that you didn’t let him cheat off of your test.
6. how big that girl’s ass is. We don’t need verbal confirmation, thank you very much.
7. the squats you should start doing at the gym.
8. how “sorry” he is and how he’ll “never mess up again.”
9. how much your friends suck and how you shouldn’t be friends with them.
10. the racist and/or sexist joke of the day.
You will never have to see…
1. him jingling his junk.
2. him talking to some freshman girl.
3. him staring at said freshman girl’s double Ds.
4. that look when he knows he messed up.
5. him walk around with his shirt off like a douche bag at cookouts and parties.
6. his beautiful, yet so cliché, collection of bow ties.
7. him roll his eyes when you ask him to hold your bags.
8. that annoying grin when he thinks he’s right even though he is SO wrong.
9. his disgusting, pube-infested bathroom.
10. HIM. Period.
You will finally be able to…
1. watch a movie the whole way through without it turning into a makeout session.
2. go out with the girls without him texting “I’m bored” every 5 minutes. Literally, this is the only time he acts like the relationship is relevant. Well, that and during sex.
3. wear whatever you want to an event without having to match his outfit.
4. attend mixers at fraternities other than his without him getting jealous.
5. take the classes you want without trying to match up your schedules.
6. live without the worry of having to meet his mother.
7. live without the worry of him one day meeting your father.
8. not shave, not wear makeup, and not wash your hair whenever you please.
9. eat pizza. Lots and lots of pizza.
10. BE FREE!
Wait. Remind me again why dating boys is still a thing?