The Bachelor: Soooooo NS.

In case you’ve been living under a rock or moonlighting as a GDI and missed The Bachelor’s season finale, don’t worry, I can fill you in on the juice in one sentence: Ben is the biggest idiot in the world.

I don’t want to delve into the wonder that was this past season, or the word vomit of an excuse for conversation that was Kaci B. I would mainly like to elaborate as to why Courtney is the ultimate GDI (or scorned sister because of way too many standard’s board hearings) and Ben is the ultimate freshman-year moron.

Where do I even begin? We all learned the cardinal rule during recruitment: when a girl says ANYTHING along the lines of “I don’t get along with girls” (including but not limited to variants like “I don’t have many girlfriends,” “I’d much rather hang with guys,” “girls are just too much drama,” or our favorite “other girls are just so jealous of me”) it means two things: she’s a backstabber, and she’ll sleep with anything that has a pulse. Generally, said female doesn’t have any girlfriends because she’s burned any possible sisterly bridge, either by making up rumors about someone, or sleeping with her boyfriend. As we all learned, these girls are NOT to be trusted and are NOT to be given bids.

Courtney is a prime example of a self-made GDI. Yes, she was pretty enough to be welcomed into the glory of sisterhood; however, her personality banished her to off-campus housing and a non-existent social status. Being a harlot is never a good look, and all of the other girls in the house were smart enough to realize this. This is very much similar to the pledge who is very pretty, but also very confrontational and very promiscuous. What do we do in these situations? We make sure she doesn’t get initiated. If the rules of The Bachelor were as well-implemented as the rules of sororities, Courtney would have never gotten a bid…I mean rose.

Unfortunately, Ben made the rookie mistake of any man who thinks with the wrong head – he took pity on Courtney because of her lack of friends in the house, and mistook her not-so-subtle sexuality as a “real connection.” (Sidenote: I don’t ever want to have a “real connection” with anything other than my future husband’s bank account.) As any man that’s been scorned by a nice girl would do in retaliation, he chose to go on a downward spiral of disappointing his family and proposing to a Jezebel.

Needless to say, it came as no surprise to me that the two had called off the engagement and Ben had cheated on Courtney by the time the reunion special took place. Ladies, if you take away one thing from this disastrous season, let it be this: the way to truly win a man’s heart is and will always be with class. Parading around naked in a village for “tribal authenticity,” jumping into a pool in a tiny bikini while a sister is attempting to talk to a boy, and being an overall backstabbing bitch with zero friends are not examples of ways to lock down a Harry Winston. As I’ve always said, it’s far better to be a Jackie than a Marilyn. Mistresses are a phase, but wives are forever. Present yourself as a wife, and a man will always be trying to be better for you.

And just in case he winds up being a cheating bastard, make sure you never sign a pre-nup. Duh.

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