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The Bachelorette’s Men Will “Tell All” As Emily Looks Perpetually Concerned

It’s finally here! The “Men Tell All” episode for this season of The Bachelorette airs this evening and is sure to provide some hilarious quotes from the highly educated beefcakes as well as the goofballs who look like they’re on welfare. We left Emily in Curacao, yet another country that she probably had no idea existed before boarding her flight there. As she was showing off her various metallic bikinis and trying very hard to come up with different ways of saying, “I just don’t know what to do,” Emily came to her senses and booted Sean. I was honestly shocked Sean didn’t jump out of the limo and run back to Emily screaming, “I just had to see you one last time.” Now Forrest Gump can run all the way back to Texas where he can find a girl that enjoys being hunted down on a regular basis.

This is my first time watching an entire season of The Bachelor/ette, and honestly, I was expecting more out of the Fantasy Suite episode than 2 hours of voice-overs repeating the same crap we’ve heard all season. I’m sincerely hoping the Tell All episode will make up for the Adult Abstinence Promo ABC aired last Monday night. To refresh my memory on the “ghosts of bachelors past” in preparation for tonight, I’m having trouble remembering a good 2/3rds of them. The 1/3rd I do remember, however, should make for some pretty great TV. I really can’t wait to see what Kalon, Chris, and Ryan will have to say. Kalon, who seems to have more oil on his face than all of Saudi Arabia has to offer, should make a big splash by being the douchebag that he is and saying seriously offensive things that inspire “West Virginia Hood Rat” attitude from Emily. Cross your fingers for another helicopter entrance, there has been a SERIOUS lack of those for a dating TV show. Ryan’s personality is entertaining enough. I can only hope that he wears his bright turquoise shoes and still legitimately believes Emily made a huge mistake in letting him go. I am above and beyond giddy to see Chris again, his pain still fresh from Emily’s rejection. I don’t think I ever understood the phrase “if looks could kill” until I saw Chris get the boot, I literally thought he was trying to vaporize Emily with his eyes or something.

But, after the gauntlets are thrown, Emily shoots some concerned looks at the camera, and a few tears are shed, Ms. Maynard still has a huge decision to make. Will she choose Mr. Mormon Man-Child, Jef, who keeps subtly playing hard to get? He pulled a risky move by virtually ignoring Emily the first few episodes, and like the typical girl she is, it worked out in his favor as she has been vying for his approval and affections ever since. On the other hand we have Arie, a racecar driver who seems to want Emily to get to know his tongue more than his personality. While he’s come up for air between face sucking sessions, I’ve become partial to Arie’s personality. Since Ricki’s dad was a racecar driver, I think that’s a lifestyle Emily is comfortable with and will most likely find the longest-lasting relationship with him. Even though Arie would be my pick, I predict in the end, Jef will be the one Emily chooses. After his “we should bridle our passions” speech last episode, Emily was eating out of his hand. For someone who looks like he could be Ricki’s playmate, he’s been playing a very strategic game of give and take. What do you think will happen in next week’s finale? Do you think Chris will try to shoot up the entire cast and audience when he’s overcome with rage tonight? Let me know your predictions for a love that will last forever, or at least as long as contractually obligated.

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