Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy Festivus for the rest of us. Did we cover all our bases? These days, you just never know. #NSA #Twitter #Hashtag
As we bring 2013 to a close, we look back on a year filled with love, laughter, tears, good times, bad times, highs, lows, and literally every other stereotypical thing covered in all of your letters. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…except when you say that every year, it kind of loses its meaning. So, guys and gals, we’re going to be honest with you: 2013 was average. It existed. It happened. And now it’s almost over. 365 days of pure mediocrity. Don’t lie…yours was too.
With the start of a new calendar year and another wave of the middle finger to those pesky naysayers, the Mayans, we’re looking forward to a fresh start filled with marathons we won’t run, diets we won’t stick to, and vacations we’ll probably never take; 2014, y’all, things are looking up. With our reasonable and attainable New Year’s Resolutions in mind (read: we don’t have any), and armed with our prescription pills, therapists, yogis, personal trainers, dieticians, life coaches, iPhones, iPods, iPads, iDontKnowWhatElses, and alcohol, we’re ready for what the new year has in store for us. But before we get ahead of ourselves with 2014, let us backtrack a little and inform you of our year’s past. After all, the sole purpose of a Christmas newsletter is to try to make your family look better than everyone else’s…and so that, dear friends, is what we intend to do. For those of you whom we don’t care enough to call, text, add on Facebook, follow on Twitter, Instagram, or Vine, Facetime, Skype, or God forbid see in person, this is what the Warren family has been up to:
John: John is a lawyer by day, an adjunct professor by night, a PhD candidate by weekend, and has two new books coming out in the next year. How lazy is this guy? Like, honestly, John, pick up a hobby or two. In his spare time he enjoys playing with — I mean admiring — model trains and airplanes, and pacing around the house with his arms crossed like an old man. He’s obsessed with repairing things things that aren’t broken and monitoring Catie’s bank account. His favorite show is the 1950s legal drama, Perry Mason, and yet he is still unnecessarily confused as to why everyone calls him “grandpa.”
Quote: “Do you have anything that needs fixing?”
Sarah: Much to the dismay of her daughters, with each passing year, Sarah seems to be getting younger, blonder, and skinnier. She’s like the female equivalent of Benjamin Button except less creepy. Due to some sort of tennis accident that is still wildly unclear to the entire family, Sarah tore her rotator cuff and now limps (again, we don’t know) around the house, moaning in pain. She’s scheduled for surgery in late January, a date that quite literally cannot come soon enough. Sarah enjoys the Real Housewives franchise and reruns of NCIS where she unapologetically and ever so creepily lusts after Mark Harmon. Sarah turned 33 this year. Or at least that’s what she tells us.
Quote: “My shoulder hurts.”
Lexie: Lexie lives in Charlottesville, Virginia with her husband, Luke, two children, Ali and Kate, and two Labradors, Jefferson and Davis. She gets through the day thanks to copious amounts of Xanax and a personal trainer named Michael. Despite having not worked in over seven years, Lexie employs two full time nannies and lives by the philosophy “it takes a village.” She’s thankful for her friends, family, and plastic surgeon.
Quote: “My doctor could fix that for you.”
Annie: Annie lives in Hilton Head, South Carolina with her husband, Chase, two children, Jackson and Olivia Grace, and Pug, Lincoln. She is the head of the PTA, Junior League, her sorority’s alumna group, and on the verge of a mental breakdown. She believes that the best way to deal with your problems is to ignore them completely. Annie is a vegan three days a week and a closet smoker the other four.
Quote: “Have you seen my lighter?”
Catie: After working on three campaigns in less than a year…and losing every single race, Catie left politics and moved back home to “find herself.” She worked as a nanny, which is funny, because she doesn’t particularly like children, and contemplated going back to school to become a teacher. Again, the irony is not lost on her. Much to the relief of her parents, Catie found her calling and now writes for humor websites in Austin, TX. At the request of her mother, she is not allowed to disclose the name of her company in this letter, but a simple Google search of her name will bring you right to the sites no one wants you to see. In her spare time, she enjoys getting in fights with Justin Bieber fans on Twitter, lusting after successful (i.e. rich) men, and auditioning for Reality TV shows.
Quote: “Is George Clooney still single?”
John David: Despite hating being “middle named,” he will forever be referred to as “John David” by everyone in the family thanks to his parents’ unoriginality and pure laziness. John David is nearly fifteen and will be getting his driver’s permit this summer. He has requested either an F-150 or a BMW for his 16th birthday and due to the fact that he is the last child of two people who have quite literally given up on the whole parenting thing, he will probably get what he wants. He plays football and tennis in between driving the entire family insane with his ever-changing teenage mood swings. 2013 was a big year for John David, as Sarah finally allowed him to start cutting his own steak; she does, however, still slice the crusts off of his sandwiches. John David recently switched from Vineyard Vines to Brooks Brothers and feels like a new man.
Quote: “You’re ruining my life!”
Teeny: We’re fairly certain he’s the world’s oldest Bull Mastiff. Fifteen years and still kickin’, much to Sarah’s dismay.
Quote: “I’m going to live forever.”
And so it ends, our 2013 Christmas newsletter; bless you if you’ve made it this far. We hope you’ve enjoyed it, as this sort of thing is what finally got Catie off of John and Sarah’s cell phone plan and onto her own. #PraiseJesus In all sincerity, we wish you health, wealth, and a bountiful inheritance. We hope you have the hap hap happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tapdanced with Danny f***ing Kaye…and an even better New Year, to boot.
Over and out,
The Warrens
John, Sarah, Lexie (& Luke), Annie (& Chase), Catie (& no one), John David and Teeny
Image via Hello Giggles
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Catie Warren
From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co
@catie__warren
@catie__warren
