The Best Relationship You’ll Ever Have Isn’t With A Guy


It wasn’t love at first sight. It wasn’t that “ahh-ha” moment where you knew, this was the one, but, it has changed your life forever. It is your comfort, your support, your rock, your true love.

I’m talking about your bed.

Your relationship with your bed is the best one you will ever have. It has seen you at your worst; your “sweatpants, hair tied, chillin’ with no makeup on” worst. And not the kind that Drake is talking about, not the “my hair is perfectly straight, I have tight yoga pants on, and the light foundation/powder combo that LOOKS like I am going natural,” look. I’m talkin’ the messy bun on top of the highest part of your head, the grease-stained shirt from the pizza rolls you are eating, and the stress-pimples-on-fleek look. Your bed has seen it a million times, yet it still welcomes you with open arms.

Your bed has held you at your lowest; when you were heartbroken about that hot boy breaking up with you because you have A-cup boobs. The nights you laid in it, ugly crying, and snot running all over your sheets. You said to yourself, “How will I ever find happiness in life again? He was soooooooo hot.”

When you were wallowing in self-pity, your bed kindly reminded you, “Yes, he was hot. But just remember, so is hell.”

Your bed has been familiar with all parts of your body. It has seen the weirdest things come in and out of you on a nightly basis, and yet there is no judgement. Like that time you dutch-ovened yourself so bad you thought it was going to poison you and cause permanent brain injury or threaten your very existence. Or the time it saw that guy from the bar who you thought was a solid 9 but was really a hard 4. Your bed has seen him, and has also seen his hard 4 man parts.

You also cannot binge-watch all of your favorite Netflix shows without your bed. Your pillows are your perfect cuddle buddies that won’t end up poking you in the rear end during the sex scenes of the movies you are watching.

Your bed is the most loyal relationship you will ever have. You will leave it for hours on end, you’ll open the doors at the end of a long day, and it will just be staring at you with those big puppy dog eyes until you crawl into it and give it the attention it so rightly deserves. You are your bed’s one and only. Its purpose is to serve you, to comfort you. Do you ever have to worry about your bed being unfaithful? Do you ever have to worry about your bed turning out to be gay? Your bed is sleeping with you from now until you decide it’s time to move on to another. You hold all the power in this relationship.

Your bed is open to adventure. If you want another person to be in that bed with you, your bed buckles up and holds on for the ride. It is friendly to strangers, cute, and cuddly, just like a dog without having to clean up poop all the time.

There are a million ways in which you disrespect your relationship with your bed. You fart on it, you boom-boom on it, you puke on it when you’ve had too much to drink, and sometimes you even give it the ol’ golden shower and pee on it when you have a nightmare. But your bed still practices forgiveness and trust, something you could never practice regularly.

It’s a proven scientific fact that 100 percent of people would stay in bed forever if they could. So let’s start a movement all over the world and never leave our beds again. Love yourself. Love your bed.

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I like glitter, ok?

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