Men are simple creatures. They’re like babies, if babies could get drunk and do things like break beer pong tables in half for no reason. They want to eat, drink, talk shit with their friends, and have sex with you. It’s so blissfully simple and easy to understand: guys will do close to anything for sex. Anything involving their schlongs being out and about, in and around your hands/mouth/vajay/feet/face/other is paradise for a dude. The simplicity of the male psyche isn’t meant to say that they’re stupid. Straightforward does not equal dumb. Guys are just that: straightforward, direct in what they want, and that makes them easy to predict.
It also makes them easy to fuck with.
It seems like girls are the ones constantly bitching about getting dicked around by men, and I’m honestly not sure why, because guys are made to be toyed with. They tend to actually enjoy it. Ever wonder why that guy didn’t answer any of the four phone calls and six text messages you sent his way after your twenty minute darty make out session? Guys have short attention spans. He was already bored of you. Let’s be better than that. Here are the best tried-and-true ways to manipulate a guy, into liking you, sleeping with you, or basically whatever your end game is.
Sex
Let’s start with the most obvious. There are holes in your body that he’d like to fill with his penis. Use that to your advantage, you ruthless ice princess.
There are a lot of different ways to go about this: you can withhold sex entirely from a guy who wants it, you can agree to some sexual acts but not the one he really wants to try (90% chance this involves your butthole), or you can be a complete tease and leave in the middle of a topless make out and let him deal with his blue balls himself. That one is especially fun.
Girls seem to think that a guy won’t like her if she doesn’t sleep with him, and often the opposite is true. Guys like entertainment—they like the chase, and being teased, and you can get a man to basically be your puppy dog if you’ve made him want to sleep with you badly enough. Sure, eventually he’ll want you to actually deliver on those taunting half-naked Snapchats, but before that you should enjoy the feeling of being wanted.
“Randomly” run into him at the bars when you’re both drunk and dirty dance with him. The chase is half the fun of sex. Draw it out as long as you can, if for no other reason than to torture him a little, and for all the shit he’ll do for you in an effort to finally convince you to play with his pants sausage. Do you like compliments? Of course you do. Those will come in galore at this juncture. Plus, an intense buildup before sex makes it better when you finally decide to allow him to go down on you. That’s the dream.
Passive Aggression
Ah, the tried and true. This works best with a guy who is already committed to you in some fashion: boyfriend, Friday night hookup, Saturday night hookup,anyone who cares at all about you emotionally, really. Even the sensitive poetry major who sobbed after sex and called you “angel” one time. Is he doing something you don’t want him to? Going out with his friends when you want him to come over and watch “Legally Blonde” with you while rubbing your feet and calling you Ms. Woods? You can have all that and more. Make a casual comment about inviting one of his buddies over to hang out, since he’s busy. Make sure it’s one of his friends who you know has always wanted to have sex with you. Maybe Paul wants to take it easy at your place tonight. Or, maybe you’ll decide to go out with your friends too, to that club that he hates you going to because you consistently get too drunk and all the guys hit on you. Maybe you’ll wear that black dress that basically guarantees that your nipples will be showing for 50% of the entire night, with the heels that make your legs look especially long. He’ll be grinding his teeth at the sports bar with his buddies, watching the snaps roll in on your story of you looking fabulous and just a little slutty, taking body shots off your friends. He’ll know he fucked up, and you don’t even have to tell him that.
Caring Less
This is arguably the most important tool in your manipulation arsenal. The end rule of every emotional game is that the person who cares the least will always win. That fact is 100% accurate. If you care less than he does, you will come out the victor of the mind game Every. Single. Time. The one who cares less in the relationship can walk away at any point and not give a fuck. There is no greater feeling of power than when he gets angry enough to yell at you for something and you sit there with your legs crossed, looking bored. He’ll hate the fact that you’re so detached, but at the same time it makes you mysterious and utterly intriguing. It’ll become his mission to figure out what makes you act the way you do, because when you care less you’re unpredictable. You can’t be controlled when you’re the one who cares less, so he’ll fall all over you trying to figure out who you are and how to keep you around. You’re like a puzzle he’ll never be able to solve. The sad truth is that the girls who are best at this are often the ones who have been burned in relationships when they were the one who cared more, and now they’re cold, heartless bitches because of that. Or you’re just a cold, heartless bitch all on your own.
Either way, you do you, homegirl. Sure, in the end this particular strategy—any of these, really—may very well drive him totally insane, but that isn’t really your problem, is it?.
Image via Shutterstock
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Shannon Layne
My favorite things are tiaras, compliments, and free drinks, which are becoming harder to come by the more I tend to show up at the bar in sweat pants. The proudest moment of my life so far has been landing an actual, paying job that allows me to Facebook stalk people for a living. I tweet about my mom way too often, who is constantly trying to remind me that I'm not nearly as cool as I think I am. Please send me funny stories to read at work here: shannon.laynee@yahoo.com
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