Since puberty, every little girl has dreamed of having a unicorn and big tits. Unfortunately, the former does not exist and the latter exists only in a small percentage of the population. On the upside, you can still acquire them with a little bit of money (or a lot of KFC). Whether these assets are obtained naturally, financially, or through gluttony, every girl soon finds out that having big boobs isn’t all it’s cracked out to be. Although they create glorious curves and have the ability to reduce the IQ of any man, they still have their problems. Here are the biggest problems that the biggest boobs face.
Look Ma, No Eyes
If you have a big set of bongo boobs, direct eye contact–with most humans–is subtracted altogether. You suffer from “twin gazing.” Ask a guy what color your eyes are and he’ll respond, “Hooters.” The last time I guy gazed into my eyes, it was only to tell me that I had pink eye.
You CAN’T Run, But You CAN Hide
Running is an impossible activity for those fun bags that aren’t so functional. If some maniac ever tried to chase me, well, let’s just say I want to be cremated and I want Miley Cyrus to snort my ashes. On the plus side of having large breasts, jogging outside in a sports bra is a great way to get…a free ride home.
Finders Keepers
You lose things in your bra. I could probably create dinner with all the crumbs I find in my bra from breakfast and lunch. I’m still searching for my debit card from last weekend and I’m 99 percent sure my rack consumed it. Also, my dog is missing.
Once Upon A Time
Large breasts tell a story all of their own, and that story goes a little something like this: “Once upon a time, there was a girl with big boobs and because of a surplus of cleavage, society deemed her a brainless whore.” This story is fiction for most ladies, but after all, the milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard.
Tits McGee
These alpha betas are also going to define you. Every nickname you are ever given will revolve around those planets attached to your chest. People have most likely called you Tits McGee, Sugar Tits, Boobs, or Busty Blonde if you have a set of melons. As a matter of fact, your closest friends might not even know your real name as a result of those knockers.
As you can see, ladies, big boobs have their fair share of problems. They also have their fair share of benefits: free drinks, warnings instead of traffic tickets, oodles of attention, and greater amounts of “random” male chivalry. Every problem has a solution, and the same goes for big boob problems. Sure, we can’t run, but who really wants to do that anyway? Yeah, no one looks at our faces, but that will save us a fortune on makeup. We may lose our debit cards and cash in them, but who needs money at a bar when you bring along your two friends, Bait and Lure? So, ladies, if you have a pair of pillows, embrace them. If you don’t have them, well, be careful what you wish for…
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Brita Sweet
Given the nickname, 'Brita' because she has no filter, Ms. Sweet spends her time cleaning up word vomit and replenishing her bodily fluids with Vodka and Wine.
@britasweet
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