The Bro-ey Bitch: A Lady’s Sworn Enemy

I’ve never been much of a believer in platonic relationships between guys and girls. Some swear they exist, but thus far I’ve yet to come across a 100% hands-off, no interest, sleep-in-the-same-bed-without-borderline-inappropriate-contact relationship with a guy. Even if I have no intention of ever acting on anything with them, I’ve probably at least thought about making out with most of the funny, successful, attractive men I know, and still want them to find me irresistible. Unfortunately, (not always, thank God) much more frequently than I’m comfortable with, eligible bachelors come in packs of guys that include this one mutant outlier: the bro-ey bitch.

I hate to use the word “bro-ey” but that’s essentially what she is. She might be someone’s sister, childhood friend, or even girlfriend, but she somehow became one of their best buds, and she likes it that way. She spends all her time with the boys, drinks like they do, talks like they do, and “doesn’t really like girls.” Personally, I find this really strange. Guys are great, but you need to have girlfriends. Who do you gossip with or borrow shoes from? She might have been tolerable in elementary school. No one ever felt threatened by the tomboy. And as for the grown-up tomboy, if you want to wear t-shirts, dip, and play baseball, that’s fine by me, as long as I’m the one he’s looking at during a night out on the town. The inherent problem with the bro-ey bitch is that she’s different from the tomboy, and as much as she’s “one of the guys” she’s not really one of the guys. I’m just going to outright say the thing I never say about girls I hate…she’s hot. As much as sorority women are perfect, because we are, this girl possesses a few favorable qualities that we do not. For instance, she’s low-maintenance, she doesn’t complain or care about insignificant details that are wildly uninteresting to men like we do, and her lack of need to impress the boys she’s with makes her effortlessly cool and fun for her to be around. She’s essentially a guy with tits that also cooks and cleans for them, making you unnecessary. I really hate her.

The biggest problem with this girl is that she’s still conniving and manipulative on the inside like a normal girl. I’m sort of speculating right now, and the only people who really know the truth are bro-ey bitches themselves, but I’m pretty sure it’s impossible for it not to be true. She literally gets to be the center of attention in a group of guys every second of her life. There’s no way she doesn’t like that, and I’m pretty sure sorority girls are as big of a threat to her as she is to us. He definitely goes to her for advice about girls so as not to seem like a big Mary to his brothers, and guess what she’s going to tell him about you…that you’re crazy, needy, whiney, and jealous, and that there’s no reason for him to put his life on hold for you. Maybe you are those things, but he wouldn’t have noticed for at least another few weeks if she didn’t point it out. She does it so cleverly too, with no regard for her own gender. She never tries to cockblock him, because she’s a good wingwoman and values him getting his D wet as much as he does, but after he gets his, she lets him know it’s time to move on, and doesn’t let him consider getting his priorities out of order by putting a silly thing like emotions in front of his alcoholism. The bro-ey bitch is trying to remain the only consistent girl amongst a whole group of sexy men for as long as she can, which is totally unfair. Don’t try to befriend her, because as tempting as it is to try and find out everything he’s thinking, her loyalties lie with him, and she WILL use everything you say against you. But if you have a bro-ey bitch standing in the way of you and your potential man, rest assured, her boys can’t stay single forever, and once they come around (for you, or anyone else), she’s going to have an awfully hard time trying to recover.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at [email protected]

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