The Checklist

So it seems everyone in my life is getting wifed up lately. Just a mere 6 months ago we were all up to the same shenanigans and consistently proving to be a general disappointment to ourselves, our parents, and society. And now suddenly all of these wonderful women are being discovered by men who want to spend time with them during daylight hours and don’t mind hanging out if there isn’t going to be sex involved. It’s like I don’t even know them any more. So it got me thinking…how come I can’t find someone I love as much as I love myself?

It’s not like I have impossibly high standards. I don’t even care about looks. I mean, not on guys anyway, because I totally care about looks when it comes to important things like myself, or recruitment. I mean, I’d prefer a guy with really dark hair because blonde guys are like…I don’t know, guys just shouldn’t be blonde. And don’t even get me started on gingers. He really should have light eyes though. Not because I care, I could totally love someone even if his eyes were brown…but I want to make sure my daughters have big green eyes like their perfect mother, and the only way to know that they will with certainty is if their daddy has green eyes too. Or blue. I’m really not picky. He definitely needs to be really tall too. Like preferably over 6’ but I’d settle for a guy as short as 5’10. Not because I care, I just want to make sure my sons are tall. And he can’t be taller than 6’4” because I’m like…really small, so it would look weird. Really in general, he just has to be really big and broad and muscular…and I don’t think it’s so much for me to ask for that one thing physically. I work really hard to make sure I look perfect all the time, so I think it’s acceptable that I’m treated with the same courtesy. He really doesn’t have to be the most beautiful guy I’ve ever seen. In fact, I really don’t want him to be better-looking than I am, or really even equal to me. I’m aiming for an 8. There does need to be some level of attraction, obviously, but an 8 would never cheat on a 10. That’s the trick you know, as long as you actually are a little bit better than him, and he really believes it, he’ll never leave you for someone better…because you’re the best he can get.

The only things I really care about are the basics: Is he rich? Like really rich. Like, richer than Daddy rich. I’m just saying…I’m accustomed to living a certain way, and I’m absolutely not about to downgrade. If anything, you want better for your children than you had for yourself. It’s going to be tough because my life has been pretty amazing thanks to the most wonderful Daddy there is…but I heard the word “no” once or twice growing up…I didn’t like it very much, and I don’t plan to hear it ever again. He needs to be Catholic because I want to get married in a church. And he needs to be a Republican. Obviously.

As far as his personality goes, I just want him to be wonderful, and like…not a giant pussy. I’m sort of a whiney high-maintenance bitch from time to time and if he lets me walk all over him, I will. There is nothing attractive about that. But he still has to do pretty much whatever I want. I’d like him to be the perfect amount of asshole, just to keep things interesting. But he also has to absolutely adore me and enjoy buying me things. He needs to be as funny as I am (difficult I know) and not be a little crybaby when I make fun of him…most guys are. He needs to be a great conversationalist, so we’re like this power couple. People will know whether we’re at a social function and when we’re not. We’ll be the life of the party…but he’ll still let me be the center of attention and know when to back off.

But most importantly, I just want someone I can bring home and make my parents proud. Someone who loves my friends as much as I do. Someone who makes me happy. Someone who has “that thing.” Oh…and a big penis wouldn’t hurt.

That’s ALL I’m asking for. I don’t understand why it’s impossible to find someone who fits the checklist. It’s not that complex. I’m really not that picky.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at [email protected]

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