Whether or not we’ve obliged, most of us have at least had the urge to peek at our boyfriends’ phones. Whether it’s looking at his texts or hoping to catch a glimpse of his Facebook messages, sometimes we just need a little bit of inside information to truly be able to trust this new (or old) person in your life. However, there are times that your boyfriend has taken some preventative measures to protect himself against any snooping urges. In that case, here is the guide every single male should be absolutely terrified of – the complete and official guide to stalking the shit out of your significant other using technology.

1. Watch him unlock his phone a few times until you have his four-digit passcode down.
2. Wait until he falls asleep. Unlock his phone with TouchID by using his unconscious thumb.
3. Go into TouchID in his settings. Use the passcode previously observed to enter.
4. Set one of your thumbprints as a TouchID passcode. Use an inconspicuous finger – such as the pinky finger of your left hand – so you won’t accidentally unlock his phone if you ever need to pass it to him. You now have constant access to his phone.
5. Log into your Facebook account and search for posts liked by your boyfriend. Scroll forever.
6. Go to your boyfriend’s wall and scroll through his timeline from the bottom up. Research 4-year-old posts by other females to find out the names of any old girlfriends he may have forgotten to delete.
7. Go to your boyfriend’s tagged photos and see if any have been uploaded by another female. Even if they are no longer friends, you’ll still be able to see the profile of anyone who’s uploaded a photo of your boyfriend. By now, you should probably have at least been able to find the names of one or two of his ex-girlfriends.
8. Log into Facebook again using your boyfriend’s account. Click on the search bar. Thoroughly check out any females he has recently searched.
9. Go into his Facebook messages. After checking the obvious inbox, look at any other conversations in message requests or filtered, archived, unread, or spam messages as well.
10. Move over to his privacy settings. Check on any females he may have blocked in the past.
11. Head over to Twitter. Browse through DMs, favorites, and followers. Make sure he has no secondary accounts you are unaware of.
12. While you’re at it, go ahead and check Instagram for any DMs as well.
13. Go into iPhone settings and make sure location is turned on and discoverable by friends.
14. Turn on the Find My iPhone app to locate him at any given moment.
15. Time to look at iMessages. Ensure that the text of recent conversations aligns with the name assigned to that person.
16. If there are any suspicious users, ensure that the most recent time of communication on the message home screen is the same time as the last message received or sent. If these numbers are different, you will know that messages have been deleted.
17. If not password protected (or you’ve managed to figure that one out too, in which case, congratulations), it’s time to open his Macbook. Pull up the iMessage app, and check for any discrepancies between his messaging on his phone and computer.
18. Open iPhoto and check for any photos that didn’t make it onto his phone.
19. Open Finder and browse through files and downloads, as sorted by most recent activity.
20. If you do happen to find any suspicious activity, take a screenshot using his phone and e-mail it to yourself using his e-mail address. Delete the message from his sent and trash folders so he has no evidence of this transaction. Save later in a hidden folder on your computer to use during your next fight.
21. Use TouchID to log onto his online banking and credit card apps. If he has under $10,000 in his checking account, break up with him.
22. If he passes the income test, check his FICO score while you’re at it. This is reasonable – you need to know what interest rate you can expect on your future mortgage together.
23. Use a reverse cell phone lookup site to find the physical address associated with his phone number.
24. Plug the newly found address into Zillow to assess how much his parents paid for his childhood home.
25. Check search history on all browsers for suspicious activity.
26. Browse through photo albums, included photo stream and recently deleted photos, in case suspicious photos had only been deleted from one source.
27. Listen to any previously deleted voicemails.
28. Finally, delete all evidence of your snooping, including e-mails sent and searches conducted. Congratulations – you now know everything there is to know about your boyfriend. That is, until the next time you decide to snoop. .

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RecruitmentChairTSM

RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at RecruitChairTSM@gmail.com

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