1. “Talking”
Okay, let’s be real, at this point you’re not in a relationship at all. You’ve exchanged numbers, but for some reason, you find it necessary to stake your claim on him immediately, and let everyone know you two are “talking.” What does “talking” mean, exactly? Basically you’re exchanging texts beyond “Are you going to be at the bar tonight?” or “Party at the live-out, bring your sisters.” This is not a relationship, yet you’re creating one in your mind. You’re probably at your craziest at this point, because you’re over-analyzing everything. Who is that bitch that liked his Facebook status?! What did he mean when he texted the word “cool” to you? WHY WON’T HE TEXT YOU BACK RIGHT AWAY?! You have absolutely no reason to be possessive, but you are anyway. There is 0% commitment, but 100% preemptive amounts of insane in the “talking” phase.
2. Shacking
You’re not officially anything, but he is officially putting his penis inside you on a semi-consistent basis. You kind of hate yourself for allowing this to happen without making it official that you’re dating, but you kind of love having someone around in this capacity, because, to be honest, boyfriends are the worst. You’re still going insane at this point too, mostly because you’re keeping all of your feelings bottled up. If you were dating it would be totally legitimate to question his activities, but, alas, you’re too much of a wimp to require him to stop seeing other people, so you have to stick to the confines of your own bedroom while you stalk him incessantly. Keep telling yourself that his date to that other girl’s formal really is “just a friend.” You idiot.
3. Dating
Congratulations, you’ve gotten your shit together for long enough to trick some boy into believing you’re actually a good candidate as a girlfriend. You’re enjoying the perks of being in a relationship, like having a date to all functions, constant presents, and the like. For some reason, you’re way less crazy at this point, mainly because you know he’s yours. You don’t feel the need to stalk him and learn every little detail of his life, because you’re with him for a good majority of it. You know you don’t need to creep his Facebook from your roommate’s account anymore, but you do need to passive aggressively “like” when other girls leave comments on his pictures, because that bitch should know better. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND.
4. Committed
Idiot. Everyone knows frat boys make the worst boyfriends, yet you’ve chosen to commit yourself to one anyway. You two are definitely an item, and everyone knows it. You’re at his house more often than some of his brothers, and your sisters just assume you’re with him if you’re MIA 99.9% of the time. You’ve managed to successfully communicate with each other, which is great, because now you can focus all of your insanity towards other girls who may or may not be in his life. You can move forward into the “jealous girlfriend” phase, because we all know there is something sketchy about him not texting you at all when his house had a mixer with your rival sorority.
5. “Off and On”
Oops. You annoyed him one too many times, and now you’re not his girlfriend anymore. Even though he’s made that pretty clear when he’s mad at you, it’s impossible to ignore him (or his abs) at 2:00AM when you’re hammered, so you two are still kind of a thing. Basically, you should be able to see through his bullshit and realize that you’re just hooking up, but you’re still too caught up in him to notice, or care. This is an arrangement of convenience for both of you, but you’ll still stop at nothing to make sure he’s not seeing other people. I’ve found the “If I can’t have you, no one will” mentality is quite applicable in this scenario. For example, I…know a girl who once got my her ex-boyfriend’s car towed, solely because she knew he’d call her to take him to pick it up. She hammered the point home that she was there for him the entire time, which may be crazy, but it also may be appropriate.
6. Broken Up
Jesus take the wheel. It’s evident you two are done. His shattered X-Box is proof. Whatever, you can’t be held accountable for things you throw out of 2nd story windows in a fit of anger. Moving on. At this point, there is nothing but rage between the two of you, and you’re fully okay with letting your crazy come out. Not only do you want to ruin his life, but you want to make it clear to all of the girls in his future he is damaged goods. It’s times like these when you miss Juicy Campus, but at least Twitter is a thing.
- Image via Vodio
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