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The Dark Side Of Netflix

Intervention: Blacked-Out Netflixing

There is an epidemic that is sweeping the nation. Every day, millions of people are affected, and the numbers are growing exponentially. By the end of this year, it is expected that 80 percent of college students will be suffer from it. It’s blacked-out Netflixing.

Sure, it may sound innocent enough to try it once. Heck, it might not even sound all that serious! But every day, poor, helpless Netflix accounts are ruined and abused at the hands of blacked-out Netflixing. On any given Sunday, if you are silent enough, you can hear the cries and wails of those who fell victim to this awful recreational activity.

“I WASN’T THIS FAR, WHATS GOING ON?”

“WHEN DID SKYLER FIND OUT WALT WAS COOKING?!”

“DID DALE DIE? WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?”

“Why do I have recommendations to watch ‘Inside the Aryan Brotherhood’?”

“There are two Oscar Bluths?” What happened between epi-oh wait, I watched five episodes when I was blacked out….”

The complaints are vast, and while they may seem minuscule, they are real and contain very raw emotion. You might read this and scoff, but when it happens to you, you will be crying all the same.

Imagine waking up in the morning, a Wawa wrapper stuck to your face. You have no recollection of how you got home, or when you got Wawa. You continue about your day, going through the motions of life, trying to avoid light and irrelevant people. You finally settle into your bed, and plan to ride out the rest of the day and your hangover by watching some good ol’ Netflix. That’s when you realize you’ve been affected.

Maybe it doesn’t hit you until about 15 minutes into the episode when you realize you have absolutely no idea what is going on. When did the main character break up with her boyfriend? Did they kill off the mom? Why did the little sister get her own subplot?! Then you realize, as you click on the episodes in the season you are viewing, that you watched half of the season in one night. Depression sets in as you frantically try to see where you left off, but to no avail.

There is no known treatment for blacked-out Netflixing, but it is a troubling, addictive habit. You’ll soon find yourself watching whole seasons when you’re blacked out, or watching drug documentaries, or possibly some childhood cartoons. When it gets out of hand, you’ll find yourself lashing out at people, all because your Netflix recently-watched has gone to shit.

“Oh my God, you finished Breaking Bad, right?”

“Well, no, I-”

“HOW CRAZY IS IT THAT WALT DIES, RIGHT?”

“SERIOUSLY GO FUCK YOURSELF I’M ONLY ON SEASON THREE YOU ASSMUNCHER. WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL BREATHING, DON’T YOU HAVE A DICK TO SHOVE DOWN YOUR THROAT?”

If you feel like you have personally been affected, you can take preemptive steps to control your addiction.

1. Hide Your Laptop
Everyone knows blacked-out college students’ mindsets are equivalent to those of small toddlers, so by hiding your laptop sober, blacked-out you will give up when it’s nowhere in sight. You can peacefully wake up knowing no Netflix was watched and exactly where your laptop is. No luck on your wallet, keys, and phone, though. Sorry.

2. Sleep Somewhere Else
If you and your laptop aren’t even in the same area, you won’t be able to watch Netflix. So go ahead, sleep in your sister’s bed, sleep on the floor of your living room, heck, even in a fraternity bed couch. It wasn’t because you passed out there, it was because you were actively seeking to solve your problem.

Option 3: Cancel Your Netflix Subscription. 
In extreme cases, you can break up with your Netflix. Just as no one likes to be abused, no one likes to be the abuser. But make sure that half of your friends are’t using your account, because you might get one or two death threats from them.

While it may seem like all fun and games at first, blacked-out Netflixing is a serious threat to this beautiful nation. Do not put yourself at risk of becoming an addict of this serious and sanity-losing disease.

blacked-out Netflixing: not even once.

Image via Netflix

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Hakuna Moscato

Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. and Post Grad Problems. A born and raised Maryland girl, she's obsessed with the Baltimore Ravens, Old Bay, and anything that has the Maryland flag pattern on it. She's a newly retired student-athlete and sorority girl, but not quite ready to call herself an adult, especially since she still has to be carried out of bars. With a Long Island in hand, she's ready for whatever life is throwing her way. Maybe.

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