Getting Ready
High School
Getting ready for a high school party consists of frantic messages to the group text about how you’re getting to where you’ve got to go. You need to arrive in as few cars as possible, because Alex’s neighbors are assholes, so it can’t look like a party. Park as far away from the house as possible. You take a mirror selfie of your outfit for friendship approval, and then pack it in your bag so your parents don’t see you leaving the house looking like a ho.
College
The drinking process begins while you’re getting ready, not in the car once you’ve arrived, because you’re all together from start to finish. Everything is a whirlwind of “Can you tease my hair?” and “Oh, I have the perfect necklace for you.” By the end of the process, no one is wearing their own clothes, and your face is the product of a group effort.
Outfit
High School
You’ve never had a reason to buy a plunging mesh neckline, because frankly, it would have been inappropriate to wear to Aaron’s parents’ basement, so all of your going out clothes pretty much consist of high-waisted shorts and a slightly cleavage-baring top with a statement necklace, and wedges. It’s perfect because you can go out for breakfast tomorrow in your home town without really getting any dirty looks.
College
You’re wearing something tight, black, and revealing. Always. You have on full lip color, extensions, and heels, because you’re going out drinking, not to a fucking nunnery. You know there’s a fine line between high-end escort and stripper, and you’re flirting with it. Crazy how just a few years ago you thought these outfits were reserved for divas in the city. Now you are a diva in the city…or frat basement. Whatever.
Timeline
High School
Okay, so Samantha’s parents are leaving for dinner at 8, so we can be there by 8:30 which will give us a solid few hours to get home by curfew at 11:30. Should be able to get solidly wasted during that time and maybe even swing through a Wawa. Stoked.
College
The party “starts” at 10, which means we should aim to leave the house at 11, which means we really won’t leave the house until 11:30-midnight, because Britney is the slowest bitch alive. Plus, pregaming is kind of the best part. We’ll start frat hopping around 1:30, probably find a post-game by 3, and head to bed around 4:30-5. Sounds like a night.
Beverage of Choice
High School
It’s funny how in high school you have more of a distinct palate than you do in college. Kind of. You take Grey Goose and Patron, because that’s what’s in your parents’ liquor cabinet, and you mix it with whatever God-awful concoction you can come up with. Several different juices, sodas, and whatever else you can find. Plus maybe a few Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Yummy.
College
Burnett’s? Sure. Crown Palace? Bring it on. Nail polish remover? I’m feeling thirsty. But Grey Goose? Please. I would never waste my money on something as ridiculous as taste. I will drink what is given to me, and I will pay five dollars or less to ensure a black out. That is all.
Getting Laid
High School
Getting laid in high school is just gross. The experience is new to you, and it’s incredible, so you just want to do it as often as possible, so high school parties lead to a lot of people banging in closets, on the floors of someone’s home office, in parents’ bedrooms and in their cars. I cringe just thinking about it.
College
Everyone thinks college is where the crazy sex is at, but no. After spending some time with a nice guy, you do the respectable thing, and leave the party or bar. You don’t have sex where people are. Sure, you might do it in a dorm room with a twin-sized bed and naked chick posters on the wall, but at least no one is around.
Getting Home
High School
There are so many factors in how you get home. If the parents are out of town, the entire party might crash at the party house on couches, in the tub, in the baby sister’s bed, and on the floor with a throw pillow to rest their head on. It might be ten girls having a sleepover at the house where the parents are the most oblivious. Or maybe you’ll sneak back into your house, eat all the leftovers, and hope your parents don’t know what you’re up to.
College
The party’s over and you go for some late night food with your friends, at whatever time you want — with no fear of curfew, and then snuggle up into your own bed, wake up the next day at noon, and recap the night together, with no regrets..
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
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