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The Dos And Don’ts Of Pillow Talk

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In the wise words of a “special friend” of mine, “You can learn a lot about someone when he or she is lying naked next to you.” What’s funny here is that the key to becoming a skilled pillow talker means never falling victim to this. Saying too little is bad, but saying too much is worse. And while this may seem like lose-lose situation, I assure you, the happy medium does exist. Follow these rules and you’ll be good to go.

DO: Tell Him If You Had A Good Time

Positive reinforcement and praise is good for everyone, so if you had a good time, tell him about it! Tell him what you liked in a non-awkward, “I’m just going to lie here because I’ve never said the word ‘vagina’ out loud before” way. Sure you might inflate his already over-the-top ego to Juan Pablo proportions, but hey–if it helps you get what you want out of this pseudo-relationship, then it’s worth it.

DON’T: Tell Him If You Had A Bad Time

On the flip side of things, don’t you dare tell him if you had a bad time. I don’t care if you laid there like a dead fish and faked 12 orgasms. Telling him this will not magically turn back time and change the fact that it sucked. Keep your mouth shut until you get back to the house, then spill the beans that it was so bad, you’re 99 percent sure you took his virginity. Yes, we were raised to be upstanding women with proper manners, but in this case, politeness trumps honesty.

DO: Apply Recruitment Tactics

No, I’m not talking about screaming, singing, and jumping up and down like a fucking bobble head on steroids. I’m talking about using those tricks your psychotic recruitment team taught you when you were forced to speak to a girl you needed to pull teeth with. Keep the conversation light, stick to small talk, and drop the occasional open-ended question that can’t be answered with a “yes” or a “no.” Oftentimes post-romp, words are hard to come by, regardless of your BAC level. If you find yourself at a loss, apply the golden rule: say something nice, or nothing at all. Never underestimate the power of a simple, “Wow.”

DON’T: Apply The “Crazy” Tactics

Taking the above into account, do not–I repeat, DO NOT–be a psycho. Yes, all those fancy scientific hormones are probably raging harder than you were last Friday night, but if you can control your hunger, you can control your hormones, too. From what I understand, guys don’t like it when the first thing you say after sex is, “My mom had three kids by the time she was my age. I feel like I need to be more like her, you know?” Another thing I gather is that guys don’t like when you start interrogating them about their family background like they are detainees at Guantanamo Bay. Unless verbally stoning someone to death is your thing, I’d steer clear of spewing out things like, “What’s your sister’s middle name?” or “Do twins run in your family?” or “How did your dad’s grandparents meet?” or “What’s your mom’s blood type?” or “What’s your second cousin’s favorite dessert?” and so on. Lastly, when you leave in the morning, I wouldn’t particularly suggest screaming “SURPRISE!!! I’M NOT ON BIRTH CONTROL!!!” (Evidently guys aren’t fond of that either. Weird, right?)

DO: Leave WITHOUT Expectations

Just because you spooned for .2 seconds does not mean you should write down your ring size next to your phone number or start printing your children’s monograms on bath towels. I’m obviously writing this as a girl here, but guys can smell clinginess and desperation a mile away. They WILL run in the opposite direction. If he gives you a shack shirt, washing it and returning it promptly won’t convince him that you’re wife material. Ninety percent of the time, he’ll only see it as a nice gesture. The other 10 percent of the time (for those of you like me, who think spraying his clothes with a tiny bit of your perfume will act as a great, subtle “reminder”) he’ll hate you for making his gym shirt smell like he lost a fight with a bottle of vanilla extract.

Having any expectations about the future or potential future you have with this friend with benefits is never–and will never be–the right move. Why? Because when you expect something, you set yourself up for inevitable failure. Situations will never play out as perfectly in reality as they do in that over-medicated, fairytale-obsessed head of yours. Once you come back down to Earth and realize a hookup might only be a hookup, you’ll start to see that mastering the art of pillow talk really isn’t that hard after all.

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to drunkbutnotinlove@gmail.com

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