“You look like… Hercules,” I whispered, wide-eyed, as I helped slowly pull his shirt over his head. I couldn’t believe what I was about to do and with whom I was about to do it. All the guys I had been with until this point, well, they didn’t look like that. The muscles, the jawline, the perfectly styled dirty blonde hair. I know we all think karma is bitch, but that day she was my freaking fairy godmother.
As you can imagine, I was not about to let those impeccable pectorals out of my hands, and I did everything in my power to win him over. Surprisingly, it worked. I couldn’t believe it. I, the girl with permanent goggle marks on her forehead from basically living in the research lab, was dating him, the popular frat boy who hadn’t eaten a single carb in the last five years, the guy who basically lived in the gym — the hot guy. But on my journey through discovering the best sex a lady could ever experience, I uncovered the dirty truth about dating a hot guy. While it is a sexual adventure I encourage you all to take, please be prepared to face some adversity along the way.
1. You will feel compelled to actually try.
No matter how beachy your waves are or how many times you won “best dressed” at formal, being around such a beautiful creature will make you want to be even more beautiful yourself. Let it be known that I wore winged eyeliner to an 8am lab knowing I’d be in class with him later that day. I wore wedges to class as a second semester senior. I changed my outfits countless times until I found the sister-affirmed perfect combo of sultry and classy. I spent so much extra time fussing over myself. My level of basic was spiraling out of control.
Don’t get me wrong — I looked damn fine. But there will come a time (probably finals) when the messy bun and sweatpants that were lurking in the background all semester surface and prove that karma really was a bitch all along. And then there’s the whole “healthy” thing. Let me just say, it’s hard to date someone that goes to the gym on a daily basis and eats like he just made a New Year’s resolution for 365 days straight and NOT feel guilty about your pizza-pounding, I’ll-go-to-the-gym-tomorrow lifestyle. Did I mention I ran a half marathon the year I met said man? Did I mention I gave up ice cream for Lent the year I met said man? I’m not even Catholic, people.
Yeah, maybe he made me a better person and live a healthier life and blah blah blah, but sometimes a girl just needs her mac ‘n’ cheese, okay?
2. Girls will never stop wanting him.
Pretty girls love pretty guys. It’s just, like, the rules of feminism. If I had a dollar for every time a girl hit on my hot boyfriend, I’d have some really cute Jimmy Choos to show for it. If he’s a good guy, you don’t have anything to worry about. But, then again, he could be an awful person underneath all those tight-fitting, pastel oxfords and Moroccan hair oil, so be careful.
Lucky for you, you have a complete task force of spies and security officers otherwise known as sorority sisters to help you out. Remember ladies, only you can prevent guys from fucking up, or something like that.
3. His ego could be the death of your relationship.
Let me let you in on a little secret. Those guys that you swear are totally not into themselves, those guys that volunteer to co-host your philanthropy event even though they could be getting wasted with their brothers, those guys that just seem so sweet and wonderful—they still know they’re hot. Like, you don’t just wake up every day and NOT see yourself in the mirror. Even the most down-to-earth guys have this little voice in the back of their heads saying things like, “My biceps are so fucking swole. Kendall Jenner would totally bang me. Fuck that Jonas brother she’s dating or whatever the fuck he is. My hair looks so much better. Maybe I should take a selfie.”
This egotistical view on the world could get old for you, or it could lead him to realize some other girl just got a boob job and he totally wants to bang her now and not you. Whatever the case may be, he’ll graduate one day and realize he’s not hot shit anymore. If you’re still together at this point, it’s time to start locking down that ring and looking up baby names for the most beautiful children ever to grace a woman’s womb. If it doesn’t work out, at least you had fun.
And don’t worry, he’ll probably start balding early or whatever else karma’s sick and twisted mind comes up with next..