We’re all guilty. At some point or another, we’ve all fallen for a guy even though he threw up more red flags than a bull-fighter. We think “we can change them,” because it always works out in the movies. I’m here to tell you that the movies aren’t real life, and that you should avoid these guys like the plague. For your convenience, I’ve provided you with a helpful list of guys that, while tempting, you should run away from and never look back.
The Justin Bobby
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This one is so obvious, but it needs to be said. We all watched Audrina fall for Justin Bobby’s lies over and over again on The Hills. We literally wanted to shake the television and scream at her, “HE’S NEVER GOING TO CHANGE!” This one is the easiest guys to recognize from the outside, but the hardest to let go of from the inside. This is the guy that you swear time and time again that you’re never going to go back to, but for some reason he has this incredible hold on you. You know he’s bad news. You don’t want to bring him around your friends or parents, no one approves of your relationship, and he’s only sweet when you’re alone together or when he’s trying to win you back for the millionth time. You’re aware that it’s shameful, but when you’re alone together, he’ll convince you over and over again that you need to be with him. In the words of Justin Bobby himself, “Truth and time tell all.” He doesn’t want labels, and he’ll convince you that you don’t either. You’ve said that you were done time and time again, but the Justin Bobby is a master of word games. My advice when dating this guy: when you’re tempted to take him back, remember how you felt when he hurt you. You DO want labels, you DO want commitment, and you DO want a guy who doesn’t embarrass you in public by burping at upscale restaurants or wearing combat boots to the beach.
The Mr. Big
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I’d like to take this moment to officially rename Mr. Big to Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. You feel so special with this guy, and there’s a perfect fit, but for whatever reason, he won’t commit. “But he’s so mysterious and misunderstood,” you tell yourself. If “It’s complicated,” or “He’ll change for me” are thoughts that run through your head, you know you’ve landed yourself a Mr. Big. He’s easy on the eyes, great in bed, and has a thick wallet. What more could you ask for? The answer: emotional availability. Turn to your girlfriends and actually believe them this time when they tell you he’s a douchebag and you need to move on.
The Warner
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He might be a law student, but he could also be pre-law, pre-med, working in finance, or the heir to a small corporation fortune. Whatever his occupation, it’s clear that he thinks he deserves the best. You know you’re the best, so why the hell does this guy think he deserves better than you? He’s exactly the right guy on paper — the type of guy you’d be proud to bring home to Daddy — but if his need to be treated like a prince outweighs your need to be treated like a princess, move on. The next guy will worship the ground you walk on, because you deserve it.
The Barney Stinson
We know him as one of the most lovable characters on HIMYM, but that’s because we see this guy through the eyes of his friends. What you don’t see are the tears, fits of rage, and broken hearts of the hundreds — yes, hundreds — of women he’s loved and left. This guy is good for one thing, and that’s sex. Yes, he’ll settle down eventually, but it won’t be with you. Accept this guy if he’s a friend (or a shameless rebound), but never, ever let yourself become emotionally attached to that blackout one-night stand at a mixer. He has absolutely no recollection of the event, let alone your name, and all of the Facebook stalking in the world won’t change the fact that this guy is just looking to get laid.
The Chuck Bass
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This one’s so hard, because he seems too good to be true. The Chuck Bass is incredibly handsome, incredibly rich, and just tortured enough to make your ovaries cry out in longing for your potential little emo babies. There’s nothing we like more than a challenge, and the greatest success of all would be to be the one to fix him. You’re caught up in a whirlwind of emotions, because everything is so extreme with this guy. You either love each other or you hate each other, and there is no in between. The reality is that kind of love is exhausting. The good moments feel like a fairytale, but the bad moments are enough to make you give up on love completely and spend your days wrapped up in bed, crying into your bottles of wine and empty Cheetos bags that surround you. Just like emotional availability is important, emotional stability is just as crucial. We’re crazy enough by ourselves. We don’t need to spend all of our time worrying ourselves into a wreck over our emotionally tortured not-boyfriends, wondering whether or not we can save them.
The one thing all of these guys have in common is that they’ll leave you wondering where you went wrong. If he seems too bad for you, he is, and if he seems too good for you, he’s definitely not. If you think there’s even a chance you’re dating one of these guys, the bells are ringing for a reason. Get out NOW. If you spy these characteristics in one of your friends’ boy toys, bring them wine and gluten-free baked goods as a bribe, and then sit down with them and have a nice, long chat. There’s no shame in falling for one of these guys every now and then — believe me, we’ve all done it — but the real shame is in not realizing that you’re so much better than mind games from boys. So drink all of the wine you can get your hands on, drunk dial your not-boyfriend telling him that it is so over, and then get back on your feet. Rely on your sisters and let’s all make a pact starting now that we will stop falling for these five types of guys and start making men everywhere step up their game to land one as incredible as you.
Nice Move253
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RecruitmentChairTSM
RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at RecruitChairTSM@gmail.com
@TheRecruitChair
