Facebook is that guy you want to break up with because you know he sucks, but after a while you’re just too used to being with him. Much like a bad relationship, Facebook gets boring and weird, but it’s become a necessary part of our college lives. Without the constant influx of information how would we know our newest hookup’s GPS coordinates at all times? What would we do in class? How would we remember what we did last night? Most importantly, how would we judge the other houses’ pledge classes immediately? I can’t quit you, Facebook, but I do wish these girls would…
1. The Girlfriend
If you really had the best relationship in the world, instead of constantly being on Facebook, you’d get off (pun intended). It’s lovely that your boyfriend cooked you chicken and green beans, AKA the most boring meal in the world, but shouldn’t you be enjoying your time with him rather than bragging about it? We get it. You’re in love, and he’s whipped. If we weren’t bombarded by your incessant “look what babe got me” posts on Facebook, we’d still understand after seeing him hold your purse in the dining hall. We’d still know when he dressed up as Aladdin to your Jasmine at our last date party (he looked like a dancing monkey in that vest). Hop off FB and hang with the guy you’re always publicly professing your love for. Maybe even go outside, because all I see is meal after meal in your teeny off-campus apartment. Food posts are for Instagram. Rookie.
2. The Over-Sharer
This sorority-obsessed sister has her Instagram, Twitter, Foursquare and Pinterest all linked to her Facebook. She wants you to know how fabulous her life is 24/7 (which is obviously the purpose of Facebook), but she takes it way overboard. We all love our littles, but we don’t need to constantly see Instagrammed pictures all over the place denoting her obsession with hers. She takes it too far, plus there’s that rumor that her and her little made out. You like her little even less when you know every detail about her without even asking. You know what she topped her fro-yo with this afternoon, you know the playlist for her power hour, and you just can’t bring yourself to care.
3. The Attention Whore
I can relate to her attitude. I too was once in middle school, and updated my away message constantly and my AIM profile to include my latest sixth grade boyfriend. This was also at a time when I loved Coach wristlets, and rocked a Tiffany chain-link necklace. I’ve moved on. I realize it’s no longer appropriate to make an announcement every time I have a new Saturday night romance. This girl just doesn’t get it. Sweetie, we understand that daddy didn’t give you enough love, and that Foursquare began as a popular tool to show people how much fun you are having, but now it’s just MySpace sad. Checking in on every date is essentially announcing a booty call, and I’m surprised you’re not checking in directly to boys’ bedrooms. You don’t need to tell everyone that you’re out mini-golfing with some guy or that y’all just ate a huge pancake breakfast. You could probably afford to lay off the pancakes anyway.
4. The Emo Girl
This is the one sad sack in your otherwise perfection-personified sorority who can’t quite get it together. Her boyfriend broke up with her, and you feel for her, you really do, but she has GOT to get a grip on Facebook. Filled with the saddest stories you’ve ever read, her posts are a reminder that you should be vaguebooking. Instead of turning to vodka like any good sorority girl, she’s turned to social media, and if you see one more picture of her baked goods with an inaccurate calorie count, you’ll vom. You’re tempted to set her up with a gentleman just so she can turn back into half of a couple, posting happy meals yet again.
5. The Rager
This no-shame sister shares her raunchiest exploits with anyone who’ll listen, and her favorite sounding board is Facebook. Do you, girlfriend, but please refrain from announcing how many ring pops you chewed through after a particularly ragey rave. Take down that picture of you wasted on the toilet, because it’s not pretty. We’ve all been there, but we haven’t all documented it, and if we have…we certainly untagged it by now. We don’t need to see a new picture of you coked out every time we sign in. Seriously, wipe your nose. We don’t care about the bath salts you’re trying tonight, but we do pray that you don’t turn into a zombie, because that could really make our reputation plummet. This party girl turned promoter invites you to events that you wouldn’t be caught dead at, because only freshmen and the cast of The Jersey Shore frequent foam parties (and you have no intention of becoming the next Snooki).