There isn’t ever really a good place to run into an ex-hook up, unless it’s their bed. The likelihood of this aside, however, we all know that the campus and Greek life is never quite big enough. Inevitably, you’ll encounter one another elsewhere, and when you do, you’re always at your drunkest, or worse, your ugliest. Here are some locations that emphasize these characteristics:
1. A House Boat
Yep, a motherfucking I’m-on-a-boat, boats‘n’hoes, having-the-time-of-my, not-sure-whether-your-hair-is-wet-from-the-lake-or-your-toxic-chug-mix-boat. You’re just taking a nap, soaking up the sweet rays of sunshine, and waking up blacked next to your sisters, when HOLD IT. You’d recognize that 4-pack and happy trail anywhere. Your eyes follow up the body only to see chubbies and glazed eyeballs masked by wayfarers attached to a neon sunglasses strap. This literally leaves you with nowhere to go but perhaps the next boat over, and one can only float for so long. Your little’s legs will get tired of trying to paddle your delirious self over to the next island, so blacking out is the best way to avoid this one. Just don’t draw too much attention when you throw up off the second story.
2. A Midterm
Even all the La Mer in the world and Bruce Jenner’s plastic surgeon can’t save you from how you look this week. In your state of lacking a morning shower, you wonder why you never saw him in this class before. Then you remember you sent your tutor to take notes for the past four weeks, and the week before that was syllabus week, so naturally you didn’t go. You’ve actually only been to this class one time all semester, and you hadn’t met him by then. Your topknot isn’t perfectly disheveled. It’s just a rat’s nest. You sport your letters with shame, but at least your legs look hat as ever in yoga pants.
3. Costco
I’m not sure if this has actually ever happened to anyone, as it would require both parties to have access to a Costco card and so on, but I can’t think of a shittier and more vulnerable state to be caught in. You’re obviously hungover as hell if you need to go to a wholesale warehouse instead of your regular brunch spot, plus, it’s sample Sunday, so your hands are clenching onto a ravioli, chocolate covered acai and pomegranate (for the antioxidants, duh), and a piece of toast drenched in margarine, because people don’t know what bread and butter tastes like. You finish doing your lap and head straight for the infamous hot dog + refillable drink for a grand ol’ %1.75. Worse, you’re still wearing his shack shirt…from two nights ago. If you thought that this, in combination with bedhead and no makeup, was rock bottom, think again. There’s nothing more exposing than diving into a sausage in front of your guy, especially when you were doing something similar to his polish dog a few nights ago. Hold the sauerkraut next time, sweetie.
4. A Party
This isn’t that bad, because in theory you should be looking your hottest in heels, perfect makeup, and just the right crop top, BUT because life is unfair, you know that he’ll spot you tongue deep in one of his pledge brothers, choking on a shot, or throwing up in the next stall while he takes a piss. You have no control of your emotions, and to make matters worse, this is eerily reminiscent of the time you first met. Your intoxicated self will most likely yell obscenities at him, but then quadruple text him twenty minutes later asking where he is and if you can stay in his bed.
5. The Gym
You’re proud of the lengthy Zumba-weights-elliptical-repeat routine you started after the Ben & Jerry’s drunk binge you indulged in after you guys ended things over Snapchat. Right as you’re about to hop on the scale, you spot him beautifully glistening out of the corner of your eye. Guys look awesome when they sweat. Not only does the sheen help define their muscles, but they can also wipe their faces with their shirts revealing those sex lines in the coveted “V” formation. You are wearing a gray philanthropy shirt and too-big Soffee shorts from high school cheerleading. After running to hide in the bathroom, you try to convince yourself that you look remotely presentable. The mirror reveals mascara running down your face, back sweat forming around your racerback sports bra, bangs sticking to your forehead, and then some. After staking out for five minutes, you assume that the coast is clear, only to literally run into him, drenching him with a sweat/coconut water mix as you drop your iPod to reveal the dubstep One Direction remix you have blasting.
Nice Move149
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