The Four WORST Guys To Date

To say that I have bad taste in men would be to say that recruitment is tiring, or that cocaine provides pleasant energy. Yes, those are all true (except, uh, the last one. I don’t know anything about that. It’s illegal). My romantic history is littered with such a wide variety of bad ideas that within one academic year, I had a thing with both a guy who was “Confederate General Name V” and a systems engineer whose hobbies included drawing cartoons of the monsters he saw when he dropped too much acid. I followed my great grandmother’s advice in regards to finding a husband, and tried to go out on a date with no fewer than three gentlemen per month, none of whom I permitted more than a brief kiss. I also altered that significantly depending on how intoxicated I was. There were a few instances where I never had dinner or sober conversation with the fellow, so the middle ground guys (you know, the ones who give you healthy foundations upon which to build future relationships) didn’t happen until I really got bit in the ass fourth year. Hence, I’m here, yet again, to give you advice based on my bad decisions. Go ahead and ask about my relationship with my father.

The Unavailable

After you graduate, these guys are still going to show up in your news feed every so often. They may or may not still be dating the girl they tried to cheat on with you. Or actually did cheat on with you since he gave you NO indication that he was seeing someone. Charmer. Hint: If his roomies try to intervene with your hook up, it’s because there’s an issue slightly bigger than “hey man, are you sure about this? Don’t you have a test tomorrow?” Boys don’t work like that. There’s no excuse for actual sexual contact with someone who is taken, but at some point every attractive female is going to have a weird emotional non-relationship with some guy who is, on paper, dating someone else…someone who he only brings up when it’s in some context of “I wish my girlfriend were as ______ as you” or the like. Avoid this dude like the plague. Easier said than done since it feeds to the female competitive instinct like nothing else, but if he’s that terrible of a boyfriend to her, he’ll be just as bad to you.

The Team Manager

Much like my great grandmother, this guy dates a lot. Actually, he doesn’t really date a whole lot. He’s somehow inevitably an academic overachiever, an athlete, president of his fraternity, or something of that nature. You will feel like a princess whenever you are around him because he LOVES women. All of them. And at least three or four at a time. This guy is an expert. I am not going to act like you are any better adjusted at 19 than I was, so you’ll probably hook up with him for a few months, knowing but willfully denying that you’re probably one of many. Hey, a few nights a month with Mr. Casanova himself is better than nothing, right? And it will be until you finally realize how pathetic it is. Once you finally get it in your head, generally via pledge sister spy network, that he’s telling you those things, and they work for you, because they have worked on dozens of girls before you. That’s when they lose their zing. Don’t worry, though, you have a big support network to go drink with when you need to bitch about how he fucked you over. But don’t deny you knew what was going on.

The Way Too Available

If we’re going to stereotype here, this guy is in a solid upper-middle tier fraternity, is active on the student council, plans to be a politician, and holds himself to a strict moral code that his mama taught him from infancy. He probably has a gent account on twitter, and you will think that dating him is a really mature decision. “Just give him a few weeks, he’s shy, you’ll fall just as hard for him as you ever have for anyone…eventually.” No, you won’t. And you will delay breaking things off with him because he is just too nice to be even a little bit mean to. You’ll feel like a bitch for not liking him more, but it is completely OK to be turned off/terrified by a guy who tells you how beautiful you will look when you’re pregnant and asks if you would like to come to brunch with his mom after you have been out on five dates. You don’t have to love how emotionally open he is, because he’s too emotionally open and that’s why he’s single. If he were as good in real life as he is on paper, someone else would already have him locked down. Don’t feel bad about it, and quit stringing the poor guy along because you like having a slobbering dog following you around telling you how pretty you are.

The Bad Boy

God he is so much fun. You never thought you’d go for a guy who has tattoos, or regularly asks to do scheduled narcotics off your body, or owns a motorcycle, but it’s a cliché for a reason. We spend our whole lives studying and taking etiquette lessons and learning to cook and otherwise be perfect ladies, so at some point, it’s all going to boil over and you’ll go for the exact opposite of all of that. And he has a Ducati. He’s destined to be someone’s wild bachelor uncle who shows up to Thanksgiving via speedboat and sleeps with supermodels after his billfishing tournaments in Cabo. That guy has fun, and everyone around him has fun. There’s a reason why you like him, but the other 95% of your life is eventually going to catch up to you, and that wild bachelor lifestyle is going to start looking a little sad and lonely. What’s all the wild partying if you don’t care about the person you’re hung over with the next day?

So seriously. Heed my advice, stay away from these guys. You won’t. But you should.


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