The Funny Girl’s Guide To Taking A “Hot” Selfie

The Funny Girl's Guide To Taking A "Hot" Selfie

I am a lot of things: hilarious, gorgeous, always right, smart, resourceful. I could go on for days. However, being of short stature (five feet on a good day), having an inability to take anything seriously, and being the queen of awkward, no matter how much I try, I can’t be sexy. I’ve got “cute” down. I can be cute with the best of them. Heck, I can even be “hot” if the stars align and I actually feel like putting effort into how I look. But sexy? Shit is an absolute mystery for me.

Alas, in the world we live in today, being able to take a sexy photo does not only have advantages, but it’s almost a necessity. So what are we unsexy girls supposed to do? Looking “cute” can only get us so far on Snapchat, so how can we effectively look like we’re down for the get down if all the guy can say when opening our snap is “awwwww”? Fear not, for I have done us all a huge favor and gone through a terrifying trial and error period to figure out how to take sexy snapchats. Well, as sexy as possible for us, at least.

The Less Face, The Better
Not saying your face isn’t a pretty lil’ thang, it’s just that some things are better left to the professionals. Try making a “sexy face” now. Now try doing it without dying of laughter or embarrassment. Do you really want to put that out into the world? Do you really want people to think that when you’re having sex, you look like you just farted? I doubt it. Welcome to the big leagues. This isn’t about the laughs, it’s about what action you want when his thumb presses down on your name on Snapchat. A perfect combo is to look just beyond the camera and have the camera just take half of your face. Your odds of making a dumb face reduce by fifty percent, trust me. As for what to do with your mouth? Well…just don’t have it gaping. Actually, if possible, just don’t have it in there.

Focus On Your Assets
Let’s be real, you’re taking this selfie for one reason only: to get the D. Guys are simple creatures. They don’t give a shit if your hair is softly curled or if you have a pouty face. Their eyes are drawn to one thing only: tits and/or ass. So give the people what they want, right? Even your awkwardness can’t fuck up a picture of just tits. Well, at least it shouldn’t.

Wear Something Flattering
There are two types of undergarments in this world: comfy and “daaaaaayum.” Sure, your “daaaaaayum” bra could be comfy, but is it as comfy as your bra with the thick straps and no wire that gives you absolutely no cleavage? Probably not. Are your lace thongs as relaxing as the granny panties you often forget you were even wearing because they’re so comfortable? No way. So dress for the part. Dress not for the silly self you have, dress for the sexy self you want. Wear some bedazzled, lacy bra that makes your boobs like five cup sizes bigger. You don’t have to actually wear it for longer than five minutes, but he’ll think you always wear sexy bras that could blind anyone who got too close in daylight. Deception — it’s all about deception.

Lighting, Lighting, Lighting
Probably the biggest letdown in life is that the iPhone flash provides the worst lighting of all time. It flushes you out, gives red-eye to anyone who isn’t trying to shield her eyes from the flash, and it goes off even when it doesn’t need to. It’s the worst thing to happen in the history of humanity. And no, Android users, your flash isn’t any better. Simmer down. You need to make sure the lighting you have accurately shows your features, so you can avoid looking like a ghost. Casper is not “sexy.” Have you seen any “Sexy Casper” costumes for Halloween? Yeah, you haven’t (and don’t worry, I googled to make sure). Turn on the lights and make sure the way you hold your phone doesn’t put bags under your eyes or make you look like you have alien boobs.

Not even Kate Upton gets the perfect picture on the first try. It’s going to take time and a lot of takes. The key is to not get frustrated. You’re out of your element, so it’s going to take you some time to get accustomed. Don’t be discouraged when your first few takes make you actually laugh out loud, because this whole thing is so ridiculous. Don’t give up when your “sexy eyes” look like you’re in the middle of a seizure. You’ll get the perfect picture eventually.

Don’t freak out if he doesn’t answer right away. Give the man some time to digest what he has just seen. He has just seen something more rare than a white peacock (almost): a sexy picture of you! Give him a few minutes. If he takes longer than ten minutes to respond, remember plan B: make the ugliest face you can think of and write, “LOL JK GONNA GO CRAWL IN A HOLE” and never mention it again. Ever.

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Hakuna Moscato

Hakuna Moscato (@HakunaMoscato) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. and Post Grad Problems. A born and raised Maryland girl, she's obsessed with the Baltimore Ravens, Old Bay, and anything that has the Maryland flag pattern on it. She's a newly retired student-athlete and sorority girl, but not quite ready to call herself an adult, especially since she still has to be carried out of bars. With a Long Island in hand, she's ready for whatever life is throwing her way. Maybe.

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