To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing to you amidst a mental breakdown because I don’t know what I want to do with my life, and I’m being forced to graduate because I’m too broke for the five-year plan. I’m two bottles of wine deep and pants-less, but will use words like “driven” and “motivated” to convince you that I’m ~professional~ and that you should hire me. I think I would be a terrific fit for this position because your office is located far, far away from my hometown and I’m really not ready to move back home. My parents might cut me off if they found out the extent of my weekday drinking habits, and my car insurance is, like, really high because crying to get out of speeding tickets actually doesn’t work that well.
I have a lot of qualities that I think would help benefit your company. First and foremost, I am very deadline-oriented. At the beginning of the semester, I put all of my paper deadlines and exam dates in my planner so that I can figure out what days I can and can’t skip class. I also only had to ask for two paper extensions (so far) this semester.
Also, I am very good at concentrating, so I won’t get distracted from large projects or workloads. I am so focused that I can watch almost an entire season of Sex and the City on HBO GO without having to go to the fridge to refill my Doritos bowl and wine glass. I am used to dressing professionally (thanks to formal chapter meetings) and know how to handle high-pressure situations (like finding out my ex’s new girlfriend goes to the same yoga studio as me) with great ease (trying to figure out if she’s prettier than me from under my downward dog).
I think I would really stand out from other applicants because I’m a huge people-person. I’ve gone on several bad dates but was super nice about it so we’re, like, still good on terms. I think. Also, we had this really weird legacy go through recruitment this year and I still was able to find a connection with her (we both definitely prefer JoJo to Kaitlyn). I’m also really creative. All of my Instagram captions are hella witty and I always challenge myself by finding new Pinterest crafts or seeing how many days I can go without showering before someone notices.
I really care a lot about volunteering. I donate to my sorority’s philanthropy all the time (in the form of fines) and have had a legal BAC at our fundraiser each year. I’ve only been to standards once, and it wasn’t even my fault because it was my date who threw up at formal, not me! I am a good person, and I promise to use my mediocre skills to best benefit your company.
Overall, I’m desperate. Please hire me so I can post about it on Facebook and feel validated every time someone likes the status. I don’t really care about the professional world, but your starting salary seems like it would support my addiction to fast food, Starbucks, and ordering large pizzas after a night out. Help a sister out, man.
I’m Trying To Find A Doctor To Date In The Meantime. .