Columns

The Ins & Outs of PanHELL

As classy and upstanding sorority women, it is our job to represent a united front as Greeks regarding our obvious superiority to GDIs. In a perfect world we would get along with all other members of Greek Life regardless of their affiliation, but this isn’t always the case. Interactions between girls in different chapters, though I’d imagine it varies depending on the school, are definitely tense. These are a few of the typical characters that I’ve come across who either cause you to see panhel through rose-colored glasses OR pray for some massive, controversial event to cost every chapter (except for yours) to lose their charters, leaving all philanthropy money and fraternity men to your sorority, forever and ever. You know, either one.

The Rival Bitch

She’s a washed-up, snarky, whorish, intolerable, full-blown BITCH and is the main reason you hate your rival sorority, but for some reason, she’s always around. Maybe you have mutual friends, the same major, or your friend’s-sister’s-little’s-cousin lived with her freshman year and you still go to all the same pregames. More than likely, her boyfriend is in your favorite fraternity or vice-versa. You guys see each other constantly, but never without dirty looks or blatantly fake greetings of “oh, hiiiiiiiiiiiii.” Why? You’re both the exact same level of hot on the 1-10 scale, you mix with the same fraternities and spend time with the same boys at the same bars, and your sororities have always been and probably always will be vying for the same spot on the same tier. Plenty of your sisters have the same exact passive-aggressive bitchy back-and-forth with plenty of her sisters. There’s no real reason for it, nothing provoked it, but you just can’t help but be annoyed with her mere presence. The fact is, girls who are very similar will either love each other or hate each other, and you’re in different sororities, so by default, you hate each other. It’s that simple.

The Should’ve-Been Sister

She is a girl you meet and fall head-over-heels in love with….AFTER you’ve both pledged different chapters. You were introduced through friends, a group project, or just drunkenly shared a bathroom stall over spring break. You might not even have met until senior year, but from the first minute, you’re inseparable. On campus, you wreak havoc together. You get inappropriately drunk at the bar and do the walk of shame together the next morning. You’re both hot and you’re both trouble, and you like to go out and fuck with guys’ heads together because A) it’s fun and B) you shouldn’t have to ever pay for a drink. She’s the only person you’d call to split a box of Franzia and see where the night takes you, on a Monday. You’re so alike and spend time together so often that your friends would assume you were lesbians if you both weren’t so obviously peen-enthused. Both of you are involved in your chapter (naturally the same tier as yours but NOT your direct rival), and have plenty of friends who are your own sisters, but you can’t help but wonder what life would be like had you met earlier/rushed the same sorority. You ultimately decide that one or both of you would be pregnant, in jail, or with cirrhosis of the liver by this point, so fate was spot on, and you continue with a great friendship that gives you a respite when you’re exhausted by your own sisters/eboard/standards/housemates and all of the demands within your chapter.

The Cool Girl in a Bottom Tier

This is a someone that you really, really like, but a someone with whom a long-lasting friendship is just not in the cards. Who knows how you met her. In my case, this applies to both my freshman year roommate and my Rho Chi partner later on. She’s so cool, easy to talk to, and makes you laugh until your sugar-free Red Bull comes out of your nose with her dorky, dry humor. You do enjoy the time you spend together, but will you be seen together in a social setting? Absolutely not. It’s not that you’re a bitch…but those are just like, the rules. She’s different…she looks differently, acts differently, and doesn’t think highly of your friends. If she’s into any guys whatsoever, they’re the ones whose parties you’d only go to out of sheer pity or desperation and couldn’t be convinced to hook up with even as part of some sort of “Would you fuck ________ if you got to fuck Ryan Gosling after??” game. You secretly respect her for wearing her letters so proudly even though her chapter’s nickname around campus involves the word “dog,” (because you could never be so brave, nor would you need to be). You’ll probably keep in touch here and there but the fundamental differences in your social circle definitely prevent your friendship from going the distance.

The Non-Bitch

You (along with your whole campus) ASSUME she’s horrible…she’s on exec of the cokehead-Barbie sorority, is probably the richest girl at your school, and has platinum blonde hair with a year-round fake tan. All signs point to bitch…but she’s actually the sweetest and most down-to-earth person you’ve met in a long time. Think Regina George, but actually nice. She does strange things like volunteer for extra philanthropy hours, and refrain from rolling her eyes when paired with hideous GDIs in class. She’s funny and easy to get along with, and she doesn’t get caught up in petty gossip. She’s a rare breed (like you, duh) so you’re obviously friends, and you start to think that maybe there is a point to the catty, psychotic world that is panhel.

The Frat Rat

Lastly but most obviously is the slut of all sluts who is CONSTANTLY hanging around your favorite fraternity. Girls in other chapters hanging around your boys’ basement parties is a given, but she doesn’t stop there. Mixers? She comes (who let her on the bus???). Greek Games Day pregame? Of course she shows up. Your philanthropy car wash? You bet your ass she was there…in a bikini. Why is she so fucking annoying!? She’s technically not even supposed to be at any of these things, since she’s…oh, that’s right…NOT IN YOUR CHAPTER. SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE!!!! Okay, she does but you get my point. Either she’s a slut who rotates rooms in the frat castle giving blowies, a rare breed of “just a friend” (doubtful), a crazy annoying stalker who they walk all over, or she just REALLY wants to be in your sorority, whatever. Her pathetic attempts at making small talk with you make you want to haul off, slap her across the face, and send her down frat row to HER chapters’ (uglier) fraternity. Know your role, bitch.

So there you have it. Sorority girls love to hate as well as hate to love each other, but ultimately our allegiance lies within our chapter and to the very few outsiders who we deem the perfect mix of slutty but not TOO slutty, smart but not smarter than us, and pretty but most definitely NOT prettier than us (but also not TOO much uglier than us). It’s complicated. PAN-LAM!!

Follow me on twitter: @pinniespearls

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