It’s February, and according to my planner, that means it’s time to make good on that half-assed resolution you made to get in shape. Remember? The one you made on Dec. 31, after you were bottle of champagne deep with a few more to go before midnight? Remember that one? Yeah. It’s time to ante up, bitches, because there’s nothing quite like the buzzkill that comes with the God awful realization that your teensy spring break bikini ain’t hiding all that Michelob Ultra you’ve been guzzling.
You might ask yourself, well, what about positive body image? Here’s your answer: by all means, embrace those love handles, flaunt those “soccer player thighs” and strut your stuff on the glorious, white-ish beaches of Panama City, but there’s no need to let it all hang out quite so much.
But what’s a girl to do? It’s damn cold outside, and everyone knows all the best cold weather foods are either pure carbs or just drowning everything in cheese. Also, gyms are expensive and if you’re anything like I am, that $150 monthly membership would be better spent elsewhere. Like Neiman’s.
With the hindsight that comes from having lived literally across the street from the university rec center for the entire duration of my freshman year without having used it once, here are three tips I wish someone had shoved in my over-stuffed face.
1. Get yourself a buddy. I don’t care if it’s your boyfriend, roommate, or your house mom. Y’all can commiserate over margs after your workouts–and the chances you’ll actually work out on your own are slim to none.
2) Dispense with all the pre-workout glamming up. No one gives a shit, and if you’re doing what you ought to be doing, neither should you. As we all know, runny mascara is not a good look for anyone, anytime. Especially at the gym.
3) By my approximation, there are roughly 500,000 apps that are directly related to getting spring break sexy. Want to know how many calories are in those giant Cheesecake Factory salads you’re so fond of? Check out MyCalorieCounter. Why not make the trek to class count? Use Argus to track distance and steps. Perhaps, unlike me, you’re a loyal gym-goer who just lacks instruction and guidance. Sounds like Barre3 or Nike Training is what you need.
Just find one, use it, and thank me later.
It’s really that easy. Whine and moan all you want, but when March rolls around and you’re stripped down for a post SB14 wax, tell me you don’t look sexy as hell. You’re all welcome.