Sure, guys love sex. But want to know what they love more than sex? Food. More specifically, they love delicious, unhealthy, cheesy, messy food. And what do women love? We love guys who are in love with us.
How do we put this all together and make sure everyone is happy? By making delicious, unhealthy, cheesy, messy food for a guy, who will then instantly fall in love with us. There. Done. I saved you a ton of tears and Nicholas Sparks novels. So, now what? You make a guy dinner? You don’t even know how to turn on a fucking stove. Never fear, I’m here to take you step by step to an instant boyfriend-snatching meal that will make him totally want to kiss your face every day for the rest of his life.
I give you buffalo chicken mac and cheese.
Ingredients:
2 defrosted chicken breasts (or store-bought, already cooked chicken if you’re feeling lazy–AKA most of us)
Buffalo sauce of your choosing
Some olive oil
Butter
Bread crumbs, crackers, or something crunchy
American cheese, cheddar cheese, and/or parmesan cheese
The classic Easy Mac box of your choice
Milk
An onion, a green pepper, and a jalapeño in any amount that sounds up your ally
2 slices of bacon
Sour cream (optional)
Sugar (optional)
Salt and pepper to taste
Step 1: The Prep
-Preheat your oven to 450 degrees. Simple. You’re, like, halfway there.
-Grab a casserole dish or “deep” cookie sheet and spray it with cooking spray. Or just rub some oil around on it.
-Chop up half an onion, some green pepper, a fourth of a jalapeño, or whatever sounds good out of those things.
There, great job prepping.
Step 2: The Gross Work
-Grab a handful of the chopped mixture and sprinkle it on the oiled down casserole dish.
-Now, visit your very gross looking, defrosted raw chicken breasts. This will literally be the worst part of the whole cooking process. Actually, go grab a glass of wine really quick.
-Got the wine? Good. Now drink it.
-Moving forward. Cut off any of the stray fat that wasn’t trimmed off by the people who packaged the meat, even though, you know, it’s their job. Now, rinse off the breasts and throw some salt and pepper on them.
-Place the chicken in the dish right on top of the chopped mixture. Throw that in the preheated oven and set a timer for 35 minutes.
-Go drink more and get in some quick Netflix time until the timer goes off. Or, if you’re feeling determined, continue to step three and multitask until the chicken is ready.
Step 3: The Skillet Time
-Check to make sure the chicken is cooked all the way through, and if so, yay! You did it. Take that bitch out. Now go reset the oven to 375 degrees and take out a skillet.
-Put the burner on a medium setting and grab some bacon. Throw those pieces of pig on there and let them cook for about eight minutes. Remember to keep turning them. If you want to REALLY make the bacon fabulous, toss a little sugar (white or brown) on the slices. Trust me. Or don’t. Whatever. But you’re missing out.
-Once the bacon is cooked, take it off and let it drain on some paper towels. When it’s cooled down, chop it up into little pieces.
-Throw the chopped onions, peppers, jalapeños, or whatever you were brave enough for into the oily, bacony skillet and let that simmer on low heat, stirring occasionally. If you’re feeling crazy, or if there wasn’t much bacon grease left in the pan, throw some butter in there, too.
Step 4: Finally Making Noodles
-While your veggies are sautéing (Yes, that’s what you’re doing. Pretty cool, huh?) start making the mac and cheese exactly as the box says. Easy peasy.
-While your noodles are getting all noodley, grab two forks and shred the chicken. Super easy–just basically tear it apart.
-Now that you have some shredded chicken and onions, throw that in a bowl and mix the buffalo sauce into it.
Step 5: Check The Veggies
-Before we move on, check your cooking veggies. They should be almost done (you want them to be either soft or almost charred, whatever your liking is).
-Take the sautéed vegetables out and let them drain on a paper towel for a hot sec.
Step 6: Making The Best Mac And Cheese Ever
-Once the macaroni is cooked as the box directed, the magic comes into play. Take the pot off the burner and mix in the milk, butter, and cheese pouch. Then toss in some extra cheese. For mine, I put in two slices of American cheese and shredded about a quarter of a cup of cheddar in there. I mixed that all around (don’t worry if it doesn’t totally melt, the oven will fix that) and then I decided to toss in two tablespoons of sour cream to make it gooier.
-Now, mix in your buffalo chicken, sautéed veggies, and bacon pieces.
-Scoop all of that delicious mixture into a buttered casserole dish, and hell, throw some cheddar and parmesan cheese on top, because you’re a bad bitch.
-Melt some butter in a dish (stove or microwave works just fine) and toss your bread crumbs in it.
-Sprinkle that mixture on top of the mac and cheese and put that sucker in the oven for 25 to 30 minutes.
Once it’s out, let it cool for, like, five minutes (if you can manage) and then get ready to have the most delicious thing in the world enter your mouth. Oh, and get ready to have the lucky guy fall completely in love with you, because yes–it’s that damn good..
Nice Move556
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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