I’m a girl. Therefore, I love fall. I love the way burnt oranges and dark reds mask translucent skin tone, and the way pea coats make me feel skinny and French. I love how oversized sweaters justify wearing leggings as pants, and the way Yoplait 100-calorie apple pie Greek yogurt makes me feel better about taking a “hibernation hiatus” from the gym for the next six months. It’s just the best.
But unfortunately for my scale and me, Mother Nature hasn’t kicked the coke habit she developed last winter, and she’s bringing on the snow early again this year. Seeing as the cataclysmic polar vortex will most likely bury me alive within the coming weeks, I thought I’d spend my last days on Earth celebrating my favorite season (all 18 hours of it this year) and doing what I do best: fucking up crafts and looking like a dumbass. Enjoy. (And adios.)
Craft: Leaved Mason Jar Candle Holder
What You’ll Need:
Paint Brush (or Sponge Brush)
Tea Candles–Real or Fake (2)
Mason Jars (2) NOTE: I used two glass bottles from a juice cleanse I did a month ago. (Don’t worry, I didn’t last longer than 12 hours and ended up spilling the leftover $60 of liquid celery down the drain.) DO NOT DO THIS. BE A NORMAL HUMAN AND SPEND THE $1.39 FOR A REGULAR SIZED MASON JAR.
Total Cost: $22 (Not including the $450 Dyson needed to suck up every piece of glitter that now inhabits your shag rug…because you were stupid enough to use glitter on a shag rug.)
Total Time: Two and a half hours (Including the time it takes for the Modge Podge to dry.)
Step 1: Base Modge
To decoupage, use the brush to paint a thin layer of Modge Podge onto the jar before applying the first leaf. Once that layer is sticky, place the leaf on the jar. Paint more layers of Modge Podge on top of the leaf, starting in the center and smoothing outwardly. It may take a few layers (ie. 9,000) but the leaf will eventually stick to the jar. If it doesn’t, use rubber cement. Or, if you really want to get creative and crafty and cool, a rolled up cylinder of scotch tape on the back of the leaf should do the trick.
Step 2: Glitter Podge
While the first thousand layers are drying, get ready to apply even more–but this time with glitter. In a bowl, mix the Modge Podge together with a handful of gold glitter. Think of it like a tube of mascara: the better you stir it before applying, the smoother and less clumpy your work will come out.
Step 3: Tie The Ribbon (And Light The Candles)
Once the glitter layer has dried, tie a bow with the burlap ribbons around the neck of the jar. Then, insert the tea candles into the jar and light them (please, for the love of God, not the other way around). And if you’re stupid enough to not measure the mouth of the jar before buying your tea candles like I did, your beautiful creation will turn out like this:
Have some ideas you want me to try? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org! .