The Official Boyfriend Handbook


Boys, though we may love them, are incredibly stupid and I say this with love. Sometimes I wonder if there’s even a brain inside those devilishly handsome, egg-shaped heads. The female mind is very complex and men have a hard time keeping up, which is why sometimes it feels like your boyfriend suffers from short-term memory loss, or is actually a giant toddler. He just doesn’t get it. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if girlfriends came with a manual so that he’d never fuck up or forget your favorite ice cream flavor again? Not to worry. I’ve got you covered. (And, disclaimer before you bitch at me, these are all subject to editing or personalizing to your liking.)

  1. If I don’t like someone, you don’t either.
    If I don’t like your friend or your friend’s girlfriend, or your fraternity brother, there’s a reason. Even if you do like said person, you should listen to and agree with me until this hatred passes, or until the subject changes.
  2. I know my friends are hot. Don’t tell me.
    If I say “OMG look at Julia’s formal pics, isn’t she so hot?” then the answer is yes. Otherwise, don’t tell me my friends are hot. Of course they are. They’re my friends. If you continuously point this out, I’ll make bad assumptions about your intentions.
  3. Ask me what’s wrong without asking me what’s wrong.
    As a boyfriend, you have to be able to read my mind. But since you probably haven’t gotten that far, here are some ways to ask me what’s wrong without pissing me off: “How can I make it better?” “What do you need from me?” “Tell me about what happened.” These sound caring without sounding stupid. They make you sound compassionate instead of clueless.
  4. Look at my Pinterest.
    I can’t tell you how many stupid presents I’ve gotten from boys I dated or am related to that I ended up throwing away, selling or re-gifting. “Babe, have you ever seen me wear heart jewelry?” Most girls have a wish-list, jewelry, or clothing board on their Pinterest. Does Santa just guess what to get me for Christmas every year? No, I have a Christmas list. Duh. *Pro-tip: some pins link you to the website to purchase them. Utilize this.
  5. Apologize.
    Everybody screws up, boys and girls alike. Chances are if I’m mad at you, you’ve probably done something to upset me, whether intentional or not. I’m (usually) a rational person. But even if I’m in the wrong, just say you’re sorry. I’ll forgive you quicker, and later come to my senses.
  6. Flowers are always acceptable.
    When you do fuck up, just buy me flowers. Problem solved, or at the very least, it’ll ease the tension. But there’s really no bad time for flowers. Birthday? New job? Shitty week? Flowers, flowers, flowers. It’s like the “Dick In A Box” song but with bouquets; any occasion will do. But DO NOT buy me flowers “just because.” I WILL assume you’re guilty, and I WILL go crazy trying to figure it out. *Flowers can be replaced with chocolate, wine, pizza, jewelry, ice cream, etc.
  7. Make promises you can keep.
    I’m not going to tell you to make more promises because you might flake out and I’ll get hurt. But the word ‘promise’ makes a girl feel valued, prioritized, and kind of like a princess. If I’m dying to go to that art show or try that new restaurant, promise me you’ll find a day this month to go. This leaves it open-ended and flexible on your end, but still guaranteed.
  8. Compliment me.
    This is important. Tell me I’m beautiful especially when I think I’m not. I mean, I know I look beautiful at your formal. But it’s probably more important to shower me with kind words when I don’t feel my best, or when I’m feeling bad about myself. And for bonus points, think of something to compliment besides my ass.
  9. Give in to my crazy.
    Sometimes, I’ll make wild accusations, or sometimes I’ll start talking about marriage and children. Go with it. If I’m acting crazy jealous, tell me how perfect I am (and tell me that girl that hit on you at the bar was ugly). If I’m talking about our wedding color scheme, or our future children, Zayn and Beyonce, make it a fun conversation. It’ll make me feel better if we’re crazy together. It’s totally hypothetical, anyway… right?
  10. Do little things to make me happy.
    Every girl will say this but we really do mean it. Maybe offer to watch Gossip Girl with me. Send me puppy videos during class. Pick me up from the airport, or memorize my Chipotle order. Surprise me with it during a study session. Be creative.
  11. When I’m on my period, know that I’m always right and that I’m a princess.
    Again, ask me what I need. Ask me how I feel. Keep some Midol and tampons in your sock drawer for me. Tickle my back. Seriously, you have no idea how bad cramps can be. I’d do the same for you if your favorite team lost the playoffs, okay? Okay?!?!
  12. Don’t forget to tell me you love me.
    Aside from showing me you love me, there is never a bad time for an I love you. Tell me right when I wake up. Tell me when we’re giggly and drunk. Tell me when we’re angry, when we’re tired, happy, and everything in between.

There you have it. We’re not asking too much. These are just general suggestions to really show you care. Tweak and edit it to fit your needs, print it out, and wrap it with a bow to give to Bae. And hopefully, he doesn’t take offense to the fact that you gave him a literal handbook. Hey, my boyfriend found it incredibly helpful. More flowers for me.

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Current employee at Super Weenie Hut Jr.'s

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