The Official Diet Coke Hierarchy

Diet Coke

If you drink Diet Coke, you know that not all Diet Cokes are created equally. While those who don’t have an affinity for our favorite sugar-free beverage might think this sounds insane, the vehicle that carries this liquid gold makes all the difference in your Diet Coke drinking experience. From worst to best, I present to you the official Diet Coke hierarchy.

If you bring me Diet Coke from a two-liter, I’m not going to turn it down, but I’m not going to be happy about it either. Just like dollar well shots don’t taste the same as Grey Goose, Diet Coke from a two-liter will do the job, but it’s just not the same. It goes flat, you have to drink it out of a plastic cup….and oh yeah, it’s the cheapest way to purchase Diet Coke. On the bright side, it’s still better than Diet Pepsi.

Plastic Bottle
While not the worst way to consume Diet Coke, a 20 oz. plastic bottle is really just a mini two-liter in disguise. While you have control of your cap, which is crucial in determining fizziness, this form of Diet Coke can still fall flat, along with your hopes and dreams. It’ll do in a pinch, but if you’re getting a drink from a machine, there’s a much better option that you should always pick.

This is the minimum standard by which all Diet Cokes should comply. There’s just something about Diet Coke in an ice cold can that fulfills all of your thirst-quenching needs. The bubbles. The crispness. The crack of the top. You can dress it up or leave it naked. As the famous historical quote goes, “Give me Diet Coke in a can or give me death.” If you want to win the heart of any Diet Coke drinker, bring her a fridge pack. It’s better than roses – really.

Glass Bottle
We all know that making something more expensive for basically no reason at all makes it better, and this is never more true than in the world of Diet Coke. There’s something about paying $1.69 for an 8 ounce glass bottle containing approximately three sips that fills your soul with happiness. Maybe it’s a nostalgic flashback to the olden days that we technically weren’t even alive for, maybe it’s the price hike, or maybe it’s Maybelline, but whatever the cause, Diet Coke in a glass bottle just tastes better. It’s somehow colder, sweeter, and fizzier, and while you’ll need to consume at least four of them at a time to get your daily fix, I promise you that it’s worth it.

At last, the Holy Grail of Diet Cokes. There’s just something about fountain Diet Coke that’s better than champagne, money, and sex combined. Simultaneously the fizziest and most refreshing, fountain Diet Coke is the one to rule them all. Oh, and did I mention the best perk of all? Unlimited. Refills. And yes, for whatever reason, the Diet Coke from McDonald’s mysteriously tastes the best of them all. If you give a girl a fountain Diet Coke, you might, just might, finally be able to erase that resting bitch face that’s usually a permanent fixture for her. A girl with a fountain Diet Coke is a happy girl, so trust me when I say that showing up with a 32 oz. Styrofoam cup in hand is second only to that 2.5 circle cut platinum cable-cross Yurman diamond ring.

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RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at

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