Lately I’ve come to the realization that I follow a lot of celebrities on Instagram. Like, a lot. I’m talking around 200 “celebs” anywhere from D-list reality stars, down to travel bloggers. I follow so many of these people that sometimes I forget I actually don’t know them despite knowing little details of their lives, like what vegan salad they decided to eat that day.
So that got me to thinking — out of all of these people, who would I want to actually be friends with? So I begrudgingly took to Taylor Swift’s masterfully thought out squad selections, and dissected it. Yes I know what you’re thinking. “Didn’t that music video come out almost a year ago? Aren’t you a little late to this party?” Yes, yes I am. But her squad equation is dynamic and the time is now to create a squad 2.0. I’ve created what I believe, could be the most dynamic, groundbreaking, bad-ass group of ladies that could ever exist.
The Sultry Brunette Songstress
Taylor’s pick: Selena Gomez
Loves to sing, dance, and do a little acting on the side. I love Selena, but I could see her constant on-again, off-again relationship putting strains on our friendship. Is she actually sick of that same old love? I’m not so convinced.
My pick: Rihanna
Loves to sing, pats pussy onstage, and does a little acting on the side. Rihanna is a certified bad bitch. Could pull you out whatever rut you’ve fallen into, probably by slapping some sense into you and telling you to pull yourself together. No way she wouldn’t be a good time. Did you see the Bitch Better Have My Money video? She even showed the girl she kidnapped with the intent of murdering the time of her life. Plus, Drake.
The Politically Active Comedienne
Taylor’s pick: Lena Dunham
Would empower you as a women, and make you feel unstoppable. Between acting on Girls, and running the very successful “Lenny’s Letter,” Lena would keep you inspired. Strikes me as the type that is always in the nude, even when she’s at your house. Could be a problem with roommates and unexpected guests. With her short hair and usual fresh face, chances are she gets ready in five minutes. That’s a major clash with my hour and a half to two hour “get ready” routine.
My pick: Amy Schumer
Knows how to roll with the punches, and would verbally (and probably physically) knockout anyone who tried to mess you. The best wing woman ever, but you wouldn’t even have to worry about dudes. You’d be having too much fun laughing over embarrassing hookup stories, you’d forget about everyone else in the room. Would also keep you up to date on current political events, as she kicks ass and takes names public speaking on gun control.
The Model Turned Actress
Taylor’s pick: Cara Delevingne
Funny, talented at everything, extremely gorgeous, eyebrows never not on fleek. Plus, she has an accent. I consider myself to have a decent self-esteem, but I don’t think I could last five minutes around Cara without wanting to run home and cry into a diary. Some girls just have it all. I just can’t be friends with them.
My pick: Brooklyn Decker
Extremely similar to Cara. Loves to poke fun at herself. Raised a substantial amount of money for Haiti by proudly selling t-shirts with a photo of her picking her nose printed on the front. Would scare off creeps hitting on you with a goofy face, or a joke about bodily functions. Unlike Cara, she lives in #TheBurbs, and would be your go-to gal for wine night while everyone rages elsewhere.
The Actress With Pipes
Taylor’s pick: Hailee Steinfeld
Introduced herself to the world in Pitch Perfect II, then threw us off guard when she released her hit debut single about private lady time. Continues to have great brows, still on the fence about her personality due to lack of exposure.
Our pick: Anna Kendrick
Similarly, we got to know her in Pitch Perfect. Might be one of the most clever, witty, and hilarious humans alive. Has a great singing voice that’s perfect for helping you struggle through that karaoke song you signed the two of you up for.
The Under-Appreciated TV Starlet
Taylor’s pick: Serayah
Stars in the oh-so-popular Fox series, Empire. Arguably the least known squad member. Don’t really know much about what she may bring to the table. Goes by one name. Could get confusing when you run into all the other Serayahs you know.
My pick: Karla Souza
Stars in the oh-so-popular ABC series, How To Get Away With Murder. Arguably the most crucial character in this season, although some still see her as a supporting character. She’s bilingual. Potentially brings a lot of sass and tell-it-like-it-is to the squad. Would have hella spoilers ready if you wanted them.
The Global Supermodel
Taylor’s pick: Gigi Hadid
A certified music video hoe. Made the mistake of a lifetime leaving the complete package Joe Jonas, for pretty boy Zayn. Would probably snatch your man in five seconds. Would be spotted moving her stuff into his place before you could even lock the door behind you.
My pick: Kendall Jenner
Keeps her dating life on the low, despite snagging many a hottie. The perfect combination of sexy and cute. Is related to Khloe, Kourtney, Kim, and Kylie. Would not steal your man. Need I say more?
The European Pop Star
Taylor’s pick: Ellie Goulding
Ellie deleted her (probably) mandated Bad Blood promo post, which makes me think she may be available to snag. Works out a lot. Broke real-life teddy bear, Ed Sheeran’s heart. 🙁
My pick: Adele
Queen of the universe. Would definitely be able to help you get over your ex. You’d both be crying one minute, and then laughing about how you’re better off the next. Didn’t break real-life teddy bear, Ed Sheeran’s heart. 🙂
The Swimsuit Model
Taylor’s pick: Martha Hunt
Appears to be a freak of nature natural blonde. Seems to genuinely enjoy sports. Will probably be thin the day after popping out a baby. Seems too suspiciously down to earth to be true.
My pick: Emily Ratajkowski
Defended Kim Kardashian after nude mirror selfie. Shuts down haters. Was Kendall Jenner before Kendall Jenner was Kendall Jenner. Looks to be a bitch in the best way possible.
The Young Role Model
Taylor’s pick: Zendaya
Wore a mullet to a red carpet recently. Is almost too cool. Most likely maintains her tall, lanky model body by not working out and eating junk food. Will never understand why everyone else has to wear high waisted shorts when going to the beach.
My pick: Ariel Winter
The greatest love story of all, that leads to "happily ever after", is the one you have with yourself. My message to all young girls is simple, LOVE YOURSELF! Love yourself the way you deserved to be loved- unconditionally, respecting your needs, and for ALL that you are. Thank you @teenvogue for posting this! ❤️
Extremely well spoken. Got a breast reduction, and doesn’t care what you haters have to say. Could make you feel beautiful on the worst of hair days. Most likely understands the high wasted shorts solution.
The Red-Headed Girl In A Band
Taylor’s pick: Hayley Williams
Doesn’t use Instagram.
My pick: Florence Welch
The Sports Illustrated Covergirl
Taylor’s pick: Lily Aldridge
Doesn’t appear to eat bread. Has a toddler and looks more well rested than you. Will never understand why it’s hard for you to snag a boyfriend.
My pick: Chrissy Teigen
Eats a lot of bread. Is a badass who wears crop tops while pregnant. She would be down to do whatever, like take a spontaneous road trip, or make juvenile prank calls. You’d forget this normal person poses half names on magazine covers for a living.
The Pretty One Who Unnecessarily Went To College
Taylor’s pick: Karlie Kloss
Would leave the club early to go home and take her pie out of the oven. Doesn’t even need to contour. Is quirky, but guys like it. You attempt this quirkiness and get pushed aside.
My pick: Emma Watson
Was Hermoine?!?!?! Fighting for gender equality like a boss. Looks like the type to send you daily encouraging good morning texts that brighten your whole damn day, or leave cute sticky notes for you to find later after she leaves your house.
The LA Mommy
Taylor’s pick: Jessica Alba
Manages to keep her house meticulously clean despite having kids. She would probably say “I’m so bad” after eating a cupcake. Thinks that smoothies are a meal even though we all know that’s the biggest lie known to mankind.
My pick: Hilary Duff
America’s unspoken sweetheart. Would never get into any sort of feuds with your other friends despite being taunted (cough cough Lindsay Lohan) to argue. Her closet would be a treasure trove of great finds that you could actually fit into. She’d know something was wrong before you could even tell her.
The TV Crime Fighter
Taylor’s pick: Mariska Hargitay
Uses far too many hashtags.
My pick: Sophia Bush
Philanthropic goddess. Doesn’t use too many hashtags.
The Shonda Rhimes Leading Lady
Taylor’s pick: Ellen Pompeo
Would discuss depressing social issues when everyone is just trying to have fun. Isn’t married to Patrick Dempsey in real life.
My pick: Kerry Washington
Would take as many selfies as it took until you got the one you liked. Has the special ability to be able to jump from one friend group to the next. Could fool your family into thinking she’s a perfect angel while secretly being the bad influence.
The Supermodel That Doesn’t Age
Taylor’s pick: Cindy Crawford
Would probably assume you’re a grown up mother like her since you age like milk, and don’t defy the laws of nature like she does.
My pick: Naomi Campbell
She would understand that you age like milk. She would roll up to your house with Rihanna at 1:30 a.m. completely unannounced ready to eff some ish up.
Who else would you add to the roster?.
Image via YouTube