Allow me to paint a picture for you. It’s a beautiful fall day. The air is crisp but not cold, the leaves have just started to change and it smells like fall. You don’t know how to explain it, but you just know that smell and it instantly brightens your mood. The sun is shining but it’s okay because your new Ray-Bans are perched ever so perfectly upon your face. You’re driving down the highway, perhaps on your way back to school after taking a weekend getaway. The radio is blasting whatever Top 40 hit is favored this week and you are lost in your own little world. Life is perfect.
Until you snap back to reality with police sirens blaring and lights flashing. Fuck, you think to yourself. You were speeding. Badly. You flash back to all of your previous tickets and you just know your parents will take your car away, or worse yet, kick you off their insurance if you get another ticket. But how the fuck are you going to get out of this? You’ve tried crying and you’ve tried flirting. Neither has been all that successful and while you’ll do almost anything to get out of it, you are committed to drawing the line just shy of exchanging sexual favors for getting off scot-free. So what are your options?
Brace yourself, ladies, because the answer is so simple – your period. That’s right, blame it on your period. You might be thinking to yourself that there is no way that this could possibly work, but you’d be wrong. Let me walk you through it.
As the officer is approaching, contort yourself into a scrunched position of sorts, maybe wrap one arm around your stomach like you’re having bad cramps. Allow your facial expressions to be something of a cross between anxiety, pain, and embarrassment. When the officer motions for you to roll down your window and inevitably hits you with the ”Do you know how fast you were going, miss?, begin to apologize profusely.
Here is where your acting abilities kick in. As you’re apologizing, hit him with the period bomb.
I’m so sorry officer, really I am. I didn’t realize I was speeding I just, well… Oh my gosh, this is so embarrassing, but uhm, it’s uhm, well, that time of the month? You know, like, my period and uh, I’m not really prepared. *cue fake tears if possible* And oh my god, I can’t bleed on my car seat, I just can’t. It stains and I… I just can’t. I need to get to a bathroom, like now.
With good execution, and possibly a few tears, this will work no matter what. Finally women are able to capitalize on not only our periods, but also on the fact that most guys are squeamish AF about it. And if you get a female cop? No worries, girl code strictly states “Thou must always do whatever possible to help a girl dealing with periods problems, no matter if she is a friend or stranger.” Sure, it’s a little embarrassing to have to explain your (fake) period problems to a random person, but isn’t better than having to pay a $100 plus fine? I think the answer to that is pretty obvious.
As Jamie Foxx almost definitely said, “Blame it on your pe-er-er-er-er-eriod.”.
Image via Shutterstock
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ChampagneShowers
Champagne Showers is a contributing writer for TSM. She is your typical Northern Diva. If curse words, sexual content, and drug use offend you, then bless your heart. CS will continue living the life you're too scared to live. email her at: champagne_showers@outlook.com
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