Scroll.
Scroll.
“Bitch.”
Scroll.
“Wow her boobs must be fake!”
Scroll.
“Still has that picture up? They broke up months ago.”
Scroll.
Scroll.
“Ugh.”
Scroll.
Double tap… “Shit! Shhhhhiiiiit.”
Is there anything worse than partaking in an afternoon stalking sesh and all of a sudden your finger does that horrible twitch and you “like” a picture of a (dumb, extremely filtered) sunset your boyfriend’s ex posted 45 weeks ago? No. The answer is no.
Sometimes it’s not a big deal. Our best friends know we stalk them 24/7, so when we accidentally “like” a picture from their tenth grade dance (hello, braces) it’s whatever. Unfortunately, it never works out that way, does it? We never accidentally “like” posts from someone who wouldn’t give a shit: friends, family, grandparents who unfortunately have Facebook and TYPE ONLY IN CAPS.
No, instead our finger does its little “fuck you” dance whilst we hardcore stalk people we totally pretend we don’t know exist (I swear I didn’t know my boyfriend had an ex…). So, next time you’re searching though someone’s profile from 2007, keep your fingers steady, because here are some of the WORST people to ever accidentally “like” their shit. Oh, and you know how you tell yourself they didn’t notice because it’s, like, one tiny notification? They definitely noticed.
The Hookup
You don’t even like him. You guys drunkenly hooked up once. Okay, twice. Three times, tops. He’s not that cute, he was very over-enthusiastic, and he kept calling you “Jenny” while he suffocated you with his giant body. You drunkenly added him on Facebook to show your friends how hot he was, only to realize he, uh, wasn’t–but you blamed it on the pictures, because guys totally don’t know how to pose. You got bored and thought looking at his pictures from Mexico circa 2008 was a good idea. You like Mexico. You don’t like that your computer felt the need to yell at everyone on social media that you double clicked the picture of him and his (ex?) girlfriend eating tacos there.
Plus Side: He doesn’t even remember your name, so, uh, lucky you?
The Crush
You sit next to him in physics (LOL JK, English 102). He’s got those super sexy eyes (ass) and you’re pretty sure he knows you exist. Maybe. You’re friends with him on the ‘Book because you’re in class together and you care about your education, duh. It’s not a big deal. You should obviously know the people in your class because, like, study groups (“And look! I brought sustenance!”). You saw he posted an extremely funny status saying he had to “Study all day. Ugh.” After realizing you both had things in common, like, you know, being on Facebook, you decided to dig a little further. It wasn’t until you reached his eleventh grade Homecoming pictures that life decided to stab you in the vagina–you liked the braces-filled picture of him and his disturbingly hot 16-year-old girlfriend. Once he gets that notification, he’ll do some research of his own and realize you’re in class with him.
Plus Side: Now he knows you exist, but unfortunately in his mind, you’re a crazy stalker who has a thing for teenage boys with braces.
The Ex-Girlfriend
He tried to have the “ex” talk with you, but you totally blew it off. Because, who cares? You’re confident. You’re awesome. He’s completely over her and she’s in no way a threat. I call bullshit. The only reason you don’t have the talk with your new man is because you stalk his ex more often than you update your own status. You live vicariously though her successes (bitch) and failures (LOL). Sometimes, you get too excited about her car breaking down by the side of the road and her beautiful hair catching fire and basically her life getting ruined, and you accidentally “like” it. Despite her car being broken, her mermaid hair being destroyed, and her life getting smashed (this is a dream world, ladies) her ego has now skyrocketed because she knows you think she’s a threat.
Plus Side: At least she knows you have your eye on her AND you won the man, so whatever, bitch.
The New Girlfriend
“He isn’t going to date after me. He was so in love with me. He has commitment problems. I think he was moving to Europe–oh JK. He’s in a relationship. After a month. What an asshole. Who is this bitch? HE DOESN’T LIKE GINGERS. What is happening?” You ask yourself these questions as you scroll through Facebook–just the normal inner monologue after seeing that happy “your shitty ex is in a relationship” notification on your timeline. You obviously want to see how he’s slumming it now. Except she’s really pretty. Ugh, and funny? Don’t post funny statuses. Anyone can post a quote from “Bridesmaids.” She isn’t original, but you obviously have to dig to find some dirt on her to make you feel better. While you are 30 clicks deep in her “*~*Living Young, Wild, and Free*~* fr3sHm@n y3@r” album, you lose focus and “like” the one of her passed out on a bag of trash. I mean, you do like it, but you just didn’t want her to know, you know?
Plus Side: She thinks you’re a threat AND a bitch…so, like, double positive.
The Ex
You dumped him. Okay, it was mutual. Whatever, he ended it, but you were going to do it. You just wanted to wait until after Flag Day because rude. You’re so over him. You don’t even remember how to spell his last name (It’s Stephens, right? Or is it Stevens?). While stalking, you accidentally “liked” his picture from June 2010 of a fish he caught. You don’t even like fish. Fishing is not something you support. You only looked at it because you are seriously considering getting involved with PETA. You try to take the “like” back, but the damage is done and the damage is bad. You basically told him you were thinking about him–you were on his timeline for an embarrassingly long about of time, and you’re a creepy stalker who’s still in love with him.
Plus Side: There isn’t one. Go get some wine and get your witty comebacks ready, because you’re getting a drunk text tonight.
Nice Move258
Respond
Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
rachalloy
rachel@grandex.co
