Relationships are the best. Seriously. You get to have someone there when you fall asleep, and someone to comfort you when you wake up after having a dream that he has a secret wife he loves more than you (that imaginary bitch). You have someone to sit on couches at Macy’s with after going to (and paying for, if you picked a good one) brunch. You get to have lazy sex with unshaved legs. It’s the ultimate dream.
Except there’s one small problem when it comes to relationships. Your boyfriend is going to end up as either A) your husband, or B) your ex.
Both are pretty daunting roles (LOL JK, put a ring on it) in a woman’s life. This is why relationships should be tread with e-x-t-r-e-m-e caution. Don’t get me wrong–date guys. As a serial monogamist, I can’t really preach about not having boyfriends and giving out free love and not shaving your armpit hair and shit. But in my history of dating great (being optimistic) and shitty (a total understatement) guys, I can tell you that when it comes to breakups, there is one sure way to go: be the one broken up with.
Let it sink in. You want to be the one who gets dumped. What? No! Why? Ah! Shut it and let me explain. Being dumped is agony. It’s happened to me, a lot (idiots) but despite what the kids these days are saying, the person who gets dumped is the winner.
Before you absorb all my wisdom and see my ways, I need to throw out a disclaimer. It’s good to be the one broken up with IF you aren’t a psycho bitch or a cheating whore. This applies to you if you cheated on him, were actually mean and bitchy to him, or incessantly stalked him (searched his phone and Facebook, always asked where he was, cried when he talked to ANYONE besides you, and so on). If that’s the case, then your ass deserved to get dumped because you are a mean girl.
However, if you are the angel I bet you are and he just doesn’t want to be with you, then read on to see why you are the ultimate winner. (Oh, and by the way, he can go shave his back now.)
- He always comes crawling back, so you actually get the final say on if you’re getting back together or not (the answer is NO).
- You’re not the shitty person who broke someone’s heart (asshole).
- You have an excuse to eat cookie dough, sob while watching “Say Yes to the Dress,” and avoid sunlight for at least a month.
- You also have an excuse to drink.
- It’s totally acceptable to be “that girl” at the bar or party because you were just dumped.
- There isn’t a time frame for how long you have to wait to hook up with someone else, because you are in a mourning stage.
- You don’t have to agonize about if you made the mistake of breaking up with someone, because, uh, that person doesn’t want to be with you.
- It’s so much easier to get over someone who doesn’t want to be with you than someone who does want to be with you.
- You get to play victim, which is awesome.
- You get to do the classic, “I just got dumped, so I’m going to dye my hair/get a piercing/get a tattoo” thing.
- You can put a Marilyn Monroe quote as your Facebook status.
- You can tweet passive-aggressive things without being considered a heartless asshole.
- Your parents might give you money.
- You don’t have to decide if it’s time to cut the cord, because that dumbass did it for you.
- If you run into your (now) ex in a social setting, you have the right to ignore him without being considered insecure.
- His friends aren’t off limits since he dumped you, but it’s still frowned upon. Unless they’re really hot. Or exist.
- You can shamelessly delete him on all forms of social media.
- You can also shamelessly stalk him on all forms of social media.
- You get to spitefully do all the things that your ex hated, like binge watching “Real House Wives of Wherever” and Photoshopping yourself next to Ryan Gosling.
- If you hook up with him later (and let’s be real, it most likely will happen) it gets to be on your terms.
- Then, you can tell him how much he actually sucks as a person–after he makes you a snack (because booty calls make the snack calls).
- Girls’ nights every night.
- If someone is insane enough to dump you, you shouldn’t be with him anyway, because you are a strong, independent woman, and you don’t date crazy ass men who think you’re not worth being with. Now go block him on social media, become besties with the new girlfriend, and find a guy who’s actually worth your time–and vagina.