With pledge season winding down, I have lately been reflecting on what it is these little turds have to offer us. At some point or another, we have probably all found ourselves on the dance floor locking lips with a freshman boy who was somehow able to convince us through excessive use of “want another?” that he was older. But alas, there will always be that hopeless freshman or even, God help her, sophomore who finds herself involved with the fraternity bottom-feeder…a pledge. Maybe they dated in high school, maybe she really just doesn’t understand what she’s signed herself up for, or maybe the fascinating and mysterious world of dating older men is intimidating to this bright-eyed, bushy-tailed little girl. Whatever the reason, she’s found herself in this regrettable situation. But it’s important to remember, it’s not all bad, despite what you may think. Still don’t forget, with every benefit comes a cost.
Pro: You can always get sober rides
So you’re prancing around the 10×10 quarters that your university forced you to live in, getting all caught up with singing “Call me maybe” on repeat, and downing your (un)impressive three shots of Smirnoff Vodka because you’ve yet to discover the cheaper, yet somehow smoother, Burnett’s and you check the clock. SHIT. How is it already 11:30?! (You’ll later realize that’s actually the perfect time to be heading out the door, but you’re fresh out of high school, and your curfew is normally in a half hour from now). And then you remember…the object of your affections is pledge driving tonight! A quick phone call or even a “Hiiii can you pick me and my friends up from my dorm?? Pleaseee :)” text should have a pledge driver waiting at your dorm within the next 15 minutes. Done and done.
Con: He will always be sober driving
Remember when you two agreed to not to hook up with anyone else, and oh, he didn’t want you dancing with any of his brothers either? Well, now you’re stuck in the corner of the room downing beers alone while the awkward fat pledge chats you up. Meanwhile your friends are living it up in the middle of the dance floor MO’ing some hot brothers as your dear pledge spends his evening driving around other drunk sluts. Why is he ALWAYS driving?? Why is this fat pledge NEVER driving? Why is this fat pledge TALKING to me?!
Pro: You will be treated like the princess you are
Pledges have been expertly trained to be prompt, dutiful and subservient, all great characteristics which come in handy while wooing you. He will respect you, share his feelings with you, and ask for your advice when it comes to his brothers. You never thought you would find these qualities in a fraternity gentleman. Well, you haven’t. Don’t forget, he’s still a pledge.
Con: He will be treated like shit by all brothers and you will be associated with him
There’s literally no bigger turn-off than watching your man be someone’s bitch. And he’s going to. A lot. You’re going to feel bad about all the shit he’s going through…or you’ll pity him. Pity is about the unsexiest feeling to have toward a guy there is. Plus, you think it’s annoying that all of the brothers call him “Jizz Mop?” Guess what?! You’re known to them as “Jizz Mop’s slam.” Congratulations.
Pro (maybe): Eventually, he will become the asshole fratstar you dream of dating
After this semester is all said and done, he will no longer be found in ridiculous costumes, toting around condoms, cigarettes, and dip in Costco quanitity. He will quickly develop the arrogant, douchey, zero-fucks-given attitude you have always admired in his older brothers. He will take you to extravagant out-of-town formals where he will proceed to get drunker than you came prepared for. He will allow you to cook him three course suppers and occasionally might take you out to dinner! This is the life you have always dreamed of! He will stop calling you and text you less frequently as sorority rush brings in a whole crop of new babies. Oh.
Con: For now, you will always come second to his fraternity
For the time being, you need to face the sad reality that is your relationship: a constant battle between winning his attention and losing it to a drunk brother who needs a ride to the liquor store. No matter how much he says he loves you, right now his fraternity is where his heart truly lies, and you should be prepared to accept that should you choose to date a would-be fraternity gentleman.
My advice: find someone else.
Nice Move218
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