Let’s be honest for a second. We love Alex and Piper. Like, we love Alex and Piper. Whenever we’re watching “Orange is the New Black” we’re just waiting for their next breakup-makeup, steamy sex scene. No matter what “orientation” you identify with, you have to agree, Alex and Piper are a hot AF couple.
They’re also fictional. But as most of us know, the story is biased off of real events. And these real events were based off of two real people. Piper Kerman, who wrote the book that “OITNB” is adapted from, and Cleary Wolters is the real-life Alex. So, when I found out there was a video showing Cleary discussing OITNB, I freaked. Did she really have sex with Piper in the jail church? Was she as big of a drug smuggler as the show made it seem? Is any of this real? And most importantly, does she look like hot Donna (Laura Prepon)?
Behold, the real Alex Vause.
Oh. Apart from the glasses, that’s about where the similarities end. And according to an interview Cleary gave to Vanity Fair, they never even had sex in the jail church. Or in jail at all. Their “friends with benefits” situation happened before they ever went to prison. Which is disappointing. Still, Cleary says that she had two prison wives (both of whom were total babes). And as for the amount of sex that the inmates have during their time in the big house? Cleary says that’s all true.
“Usually what you would do was have sex in your jail rooms. You’d have sex anywhere you could: the tennis court, the outdoor squash court, or the rake pile. Anyplace! When the guards aren’t around all bets are off. Everyone goes to it!”
Huh. Good to know. So while Piper and Alex were a thing in real life, and Cleary did some bad ass shit, they never had a romance behind bars. Which is for the best, I suppose. We all know Piper would be total nightmare to date. Blonde, high maintenance, and only wants to be with someone who will make her feel pretty? It would be like dating ourselves. Ugh, no thanks..