The Real Reasons He’s Not Calling You, From A Guy’s Perspective

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Ladies, it’s time to face one of the hardest things in life there is to face–no matter how beautiful, charming, funny, or wonderful you are, or how perfectly you hit it off with a guy, there’s a good chance he’s not going to be the one. More than that, there’s a pretty good chance that he’s not even going to call you back. Or text you. Or Facebook message you. Or care that you’re stalking his every move on social media or that you hacked into his Find My iPhone in an attempt to run into him on campus. (Seriously, bro, your password is “password”? Take a lap.)

You have to understand that just because a guy doesn’t call you, it’s not necessarily a reflection on you at all–it’s the guy’s crazy nature. Guys have mishigas (Yiddish for crazy); they’re dumb, crazy, and a little bit touched in the head. And yes, I’m a guy, who likes girls, and is absolutely guilty of straight-up not calling girls back. Am I a dick? Absolutely. Should I be strung up by the balls? Maybe. Am I selling out my own kind for the glory of writing for TSM? Probably. But I think that it’s my duty to come out from behind the candelabra and give the TSM audience a look into my brain. Hopefully, I’ll put your minds at ease a little bit about why a guy isn’t calling you back. Presented for your approval, a look into the brain of a dude.

1. He’s Not Attracted To You

Before you fly off the handle and write the editors angry emails for saying you’re not pretty, let’s take a step back and talk about what I mean by “attracted to you.” Every guy has a type, and every guy’s tastes are different. Girls are the same way–they’re not attracted to every guy (unless it’s silver fox Anderson Cooper, rrrowrrr). We don’t all march to the beat of the same drum. What works for you might not work for someone else. You take the good, you take the bad, you take ’em both, and then you have this TSM article.

So, not every guy is inherently attracted to every girl. You could present some guys with a clone of Kate Upton or Anna Kendrick and they might not be interested. Personally, my number one celebrity crush is Idina Menzel, and I’d do some terrible things to her body, and I’m sure most guys and girls would be shocked and possibly appalled by that decision. But those are my tastes, and I’m sticking to them. This is why you shouldn’t take it as a reflection on you. You could be a perfect 10 and you might just not be his type. He could be not attracted to your particular body type, or maybe not attracted to girls at all. You’re all beautiful and wonderful, and there’s a guy out there for all of you. If this one isn’t calling back, don’t sweat it. Save your efforts for a guy who’ll be attracted to you and worship all of you.

2. He’s Not Single

This is a FANTASTIC reason for why he hasn’t called you back, because hooking up with you in the first place was a mistake. Maybe he went out, got too drunk one night, and forgot he had a girlfriend. Maybe he’s in town for business and has an “arrangement” with his significant other. Or maybe he’s just a scumbag. The fact of the matter is that he’s got a boo, and you’re not her.

Thankfully, this factoid can be easily determined by some well-placed social media stalking. It’s harder to pull the wool over our eyes now, thanks to Facebook, Twitter, and especially Foursquare, because if you’re not checked in at the restaurant you went out to on a date for all the world to see, you might as well not be on a date at all. If you Facebook stalk a guy you hooked up with or were interested in and found out that he has a girlfriend, you’ll want to beat the living piss out of him with a rolling pin in public, and by all accounts, you probably should–but unless he really did something to screw you over as a result of this, let it slide. If he was just a one-time fling, write him off as a scumbag and let him be, because otherwise you’re inserting yourself (giggity) into a situation you want no part in, especially if it involves a screaming spouse–possibly even a wrecked home–and a dude showing up at your doorstep saying, “I left her for you, let’s be happy together forever,” and you’re just like, “Dude, “Housewives” is on and I just made mac and cheese, fuck off.” Not worth it. Just let him go.

3. He Boinked You On The First Date

As a disclaimer, I am not a person who is in the business of slut-shaming. Sex is not just an awesome activity (and a favorite at that) but more importantly, it’s not anybody’s business but your own. You can do whatever you want with your body, and as long as there’s consent, you do whatever you want. Godspeed. But a sad fact about dating guys is that if you sleep with them on the first date, generally, they’ll lose interest in you immediately and want to move on quickly.

I don’t know what it is about us, and, frankly, it’s a bit of a crossed wire in the male brain. Guys, for the most part, are completely obsessed with sex and getting sex. All they want to do is get this girl they’re wining and dining into the bedroom. But the minute they have sex with a girl on a first date, they usually just lose interest. I can’t explain why at all–maybe it has to do with the fact that once they got what they were looking for, it’s onto the next one. I’m not going to sit here and tell anyone what to do with her body, and if you want to get it in, do it to it, but from personal experience, it’s a lot more fun if you make a guy wait. They’ll bitch and moan, but you making a guy wait will entice him to the point where you’ve got him by the balls. Literally.

I think this one’s more of a myth, and if a guy really likes a girl, he’d call her even if they banged on the first date, but I’ve seen this exact scenario play out so many times that it’s almost become cliché.

4. He Met Someone Else

Here’s the harsh truth when it comes to dating: unless you slap a franchise tag on a boy, he’s a free agent in the open market, and there will be more than one person gunning for him. If he was left open, odds are, someone else will score. And that’s no fun for anyone, but especially you. Who knows how it happened? Maybe you waited too long to call him after he gave you his number, maybe he ran into his ex on the subway and she poured her heart out to him and he took her back like an IDIOT, or maybe you weren’t crazy about him immediately but you came around and wanted to give him another shot. You call him, text him, or check his Facebook, and, all of a sudden, boom: “in a relationship.”

It hits you like a ton of bricks. The ship has sailed, my friend. It’s kind of like he cheated on you, only you weren’t together and you have no valid reason to be mad, and nobody understands why you’re upset, but you are. But he’s off with someone else, and it could’ve been you. You won’t hear from him until the relationship crashes and burns, or, if you don’t have that many scruples, you text him and give him a reason to want to stray from his new boo. Risky business, but if you can pull off the move, more power to you.

Honestly, there could be any number of more reasons why a guy doesn’t call you back, but the fact of the matter is that none of them matter. He’s not calling, and that’s his loss. You have to move on. Because for every guy you’re upset about, there are easily tens of thousands of guys just like him, maybe even better, who would trade their right testicle just to be with you, and as science will point out, the right one is the vastly superior one, so you should be flattered. It’s no reflection on you, it’s just the fucked up way that guys think. Because, in the end, aren’t we all just fucked up people stumbling through the world just to find one another? Except for Idina Menzel. She’s perfect.

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JayTas is PGP's Chief Jewish Correspondent, Resident News Horse, and a very sensitive, generous lover. He likes long walks on the beach, RomComs, and giving backrubs. Comedy writer by day, fiery Latina by night.

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