I was first introduced to the incredible website, Elite Daily, when my father sent me one of their articles on life in your twenties. My Dad didn’t read the list, but he saw the title and sent it over, knowing that I love to grapple with the good ol’ quarterlife crisis over at Post Grad Problems. Had he read the content, he would have been beyond mortified, because it was not information he was trying to share with his little girl. Some of my favorite pieces of advice were only to spend money on prostitutes and only to have butt sex, because it’s apparently the only type of safe sex there is (now that’s a line I haven’t heard before). I was unsure if the article was written by someone who was trolling, or by someone who was just supremely bitter. It’s unclear. Other nuggets of wisdom included the belief that you should never enjoy downtime or trust anyone, ever. I’m sorry, but that paranoid existence sounds miserable. To the writer, I have a message: girlfriend, we’ve all been there. Heartbreak is the absolute worst, but it doesn’t mean you need to turn to cheap hookers. It gets better.
I encountered this troll of a website again when they decided to attack sorority girls. Look, as sorority girls, we catch a lot of flack. We always have and always will. We’re forced to be defensive about the organizations we joined, because people say we pay for our friends, MO far too often, and drink way too much (judgmental, much?). At the end of the day, sorority girls are attacked left and right, but this attack came in firing on all cylinders
Eddie Cuffin (once called “the trolliest troll,” which is a serious badge of honor on the internet) wrote this intriguing article, if it can be called that. It reads more like the bitter diary entry I wrote in sixth grade when I broke up with my middle school boyfriend. This entire column is basically a major subtweet. Obviously, a sorority lady did him wrong, and he’s seeking revenge on a fifth-rate website that may or may not be a new version of The Onion.
My boy Eddie says, “The modern woman has killed marriage and monogamy.” One of my favorite topics is how technology destroyed dating, but that doesn’t mean marriage and monogamy no longer exist. Even if it did, it certainly wouldn’t have been us who murdered them. Eddie goes on to say, “All the great female prospects have been picked, now they are well on their way to being married and enjoying a good life.” Real talk: he’s obviously talking about one lucky lady who’s now taken. Monogamy doesn’t exist, right? So how are all the best girls gone?
Poor Eddie can’t live with her, can’t live without her, so he goes on the attack instead, and sorority girls are his target of choice. Now, let me be clear, I do agree with Edward on the main point. Sorority girls are not ready for marriage, because a sorority girl is technically still in college. While lots of ladies in college want to get wifed up eventually, they aren’t all on the illusive hunt for their MRS degree and the diamond that accompanies it. So, no, sorority girls are not exactly marriage material. Why would we be? We’re having far too much fun to think about tying on the old ball in chain during undergrad. However, postgrad, I can’t help but think sorority girls would make the best wives, and ultimately mothers (in the very far future). After all, we understand the importance of loyalty and tradition, we’re fabulous at crafting, incredible cooks, and we learned all kinds of crazy stuff in the boudoir from our wild times in college (sorry Eddie, you’ll never get to see it).
Here’s why Eddie thinks sorority girls are the worst, and more importantly, why I have to disagree:
“They are never satisfied and always think they know everything.”
Look, I understand you’re looking for a subservient woman you can keep as your basement bride, but that won’t be us. I hear girls on the east coast aren’t at all particular. If all else fails, shoot me your address. I can send a mail order bride your way.
“All sorority girls are good for is drinking your alcohol and eating all your food, then going straight to bed.”
Since when are we hungry, hungry hippos? This one is just weird. Yes, we enjoy liquor, but raiding your fridge is probably not our first priority if we go home with you.
“If a sorority girl is not the center of attention, she will be sure to cock block you as you try to hit on her friend.”
One of the best parts of sorority life is that you’re truly there for your sisters. If my friend is talking to someone and genuinely into it, I would never think of cock blocking her, because that’s sisterhood. However, if a super creep accosted her and she was uncomfortable, of course I would step in. It sounds like our friend Eddie isn’t being cock blocked, he’s just that GDI NF freak who can’t take “No” for an answer.
“They are snakes and have no problem going behind their friend’s back to sleep with their boyfriend.”
Sororities have 100+ girls, and there will always be that one among them who thinks it’s okay to go after someone’s boy toy. That girl is the worst, and she’s genuinely hated by the entire chapter (you know who you are). It’s beyond unfortunate she exists, but she is 1 in over 100. Not all sorority girls (or girls in general) are the same, a fact Eddie seems to be having trouble grasping.
“After getting sloppy drunk and embarrassing themselves, they expect you to take care of them.”
This one is a pet peeve. I once hooked up with a boy who told me he couldn’t even take care of himself, so of course he couldn’t able to take care of me. RUDE. No, you shouldn’t be getting so sloppy drunk that your hookup is holding your hair back every night, but if a guy likes you enough to penetrate you regularly, he should care enough about you not to let you die of alcohol poisoning in a ditch somewhere.
“You will never have a tidy home if you marry a sorority girl because these women have never cleaned in their lives.”
This isn’t the 1950s, and everyone knows that’s what a maid is for. Kidding, but sorority girls do know how to clean, simply because we live on our own and are human beings. When I think of my friends’ rooms in college, I think of adorable decorations, not filthy hovels. We’re going to keep things clean, not be your personal maid (unless you’re into roleplaying). If you want a wife who likes her home looking Pinterest pretty, that’s a sorority girl. If you’re looking for a woman who spends her days on her knees scrubbing instead of pursuing other activities while down there, then your mail order bride is sounding better by the moment.
“Sorority girls will never grow up, Greek life is the only way of life they know, so don’t expect it to stop when they graduate.”
Greek life is incredible because the bonds you create last a lifetime. While we know you don’t want to hear about our little, at the end of the day she’s a huge part of our lives. We like hearing stories about your friends, and if you can’t sit tight while we talk about our besties, that’s just rude.
“They are exceptionally skilled at Jewish Geography, but don’t know how to cook a meal.”
Whether we live in the house or an off-campus apartment, we take pride in having cute homes away from home. We bake delicious desserts for our lineages, and occasionally cook a meal or two for ourselves, because we are independent, functional members of society. You haven’t had any, because we’re not trying to impress you.
“They’re good at making suggestions, but never good at actually putting these suggestions into effect.”
I don’t know anyone better at putting suggestions into effect than sorority girls. We put on incredible philanthropy events that raise thousands of dollars, plan ridiculously fun mixers and formals, and create shirts for all of the above. The most driven, intelligent, intense girls I know were in my sorority.
“Who knows what happens behind the closed doors of a sorority? It’s almost everything and anything we can imagine. Hot girls, drinks, drugs and horny frat dudes do not comprise the most proper social setting you want your future wife to be marinating in.”
Honestly, what you’re describing sounds like a great party. I don’t know where you’re going to find this virginal bride you’re looking for. She doesn’t go to college, because you don’t want someone who can read or write. The mail order bride situation is really looking like your best bet at this point. I know you’re looking for a virginal princess who hasn’t boned a single soul, but I hear it’s awkward when two virgins have sex. Anyway, good luck, but you might not need it. After all, your Russian bride won’t know any better, and even if she does she won’t be able to communicate with you, which actually sounds like exactly what you want.