Congrats. You’ve made it onto what is quite possibly the most important committee in your chapter. Recruitment. Duh. It is now your responsibility to make sure you get the best possible pledge class since…well, since yours (which was hands down the best. And you’re clearly not sorry about it). You have to make sure the newest additions to rep your letters are hot, well-dressed, hot, well-rounded, hot, smart, hot, creative, and did I mention hot? just like the rest of your sisters.
Every sorority on campus has the same goal, and becomes an enemy. Formal recruitment means war. A war of wits, a war of skill, and a war of glitter. You WILL have the cutest decorations, and the most precious skit this campus has ever seen. Not to mention exceptional conversation skills, but using your natural poise combined with an intimidation factor to make freshies (rightfully) think you’re the coolest girl alive comes naturally to you. You are one of the lucky few allowed into the situation room, because you’re a recruitment star. This means, you’ll be there for the arguments between your chapter’s Head of State (that’s your President for those of you who color during Political Science 101), and your Secretary of State; the brilliant and feared Recruitment Chair.
Your RC should be the three C’s: Creative, Cunning, and bat shit Crazy. Let’s examine each one, so you know how it makes her the best for the job…but more importantly, so you know how and when to deal with her and when to run for your fugging life.
She has the imagination of Walt Disney, the perfectionist nature of Steve Jobs, and the artistic eye of the Queen of Crafts, Martha Stewart. And it’s all wrapped up into a tiny perfectly tanned and maintained body. However, all of her over-whelming ability will also be her Achilles heel, so pay attention. Your RC will come up with the most beautiful floral arrangements, slideshows, sisterhood videos, t-shirt designs, and pretty much anything else that you could possibly think of. Everything she thinks up is brilliant and extravagant…and absolutely blows out any idea of “budgeting” at all. Because of her expensive taste you will have to reign her in a little. Proceed with caution! Like you, she is a perfect little princess, unfamiliar with the word “no,” so you will have to approach her delicately.
Try phrasing suggestions into questions. It will make her feel like it was her idea to begin with and no one ever helped her at all. Which will be annoying, but make her manageable, because she’s also a selfish bitch and will probably never say thank you for all your hard work. But hey, you signed up for this shit. (Wow, Freudian slip. Anyway…) Try a simple “Are you sure original 1920s crystal chandeliers are absolutely necessary? Don’t you think the ones we already have are just fine?” “Is antique leaded crystal totally needed for pref? We still have the same crystal from last year! Didn’t you suggest it last year? Such a good idea!” (flattery always works). You should be good to go and keep money in the budget for other things like t-shirts you don’t need, and getting shit-housed at formal.
Remember how I said this is war? Well, your RC will break so many rules and do everything in her power to win this war that you may think about asking the UN to step in to keep the peace. Except the UN will be the head of Greek Life, “the peace” will be a large fine and a threat to be put on social probation, and instead of asking it’s more like a fear he’s going to find out the shady shit she’s been doing. She may have you do things that you wouldn’t ever do. She may (will) take away every ounce of dignity you have.
You will facebook stalk PNMs for days with no sleep, but that’s amateur hour. You will go on dates with boys you don’t like because he once dated the old RC from your rival house and he might spill some vital information if you are juuuust manipulative enough. Don’t worry, she assured you that you don’t have to sleep with him by saying, “I love crème brule, but you don’t always need dessert after dinner.” And when in doubt, yes you should assume that was a hint that you gained five pounds, and you should not order dessert on said date. You may have to dye your hair in order to “keep the blonde to brunette ratio even. Everyone knows an uneven hair color ratio is bad PR.”
You hate it. You hate her. But you do it for the greater good. It’s wrong, and you know it, but luckily, you have somewhat questionable morals. I mean how many guys have you MO’ed just because his dog was cute? (12. No, I’m kidding. No, I’m not. Where was I? Oh, yeah…)
As you have now realized she’s crazier than your run-of-the-mill scorned sorority girl on a Tony Montana style bender. You must be there to control the crazy. You think you’re sleep-deprived? She has been surviving off of diet coke and Addy for weeks. You feel degraded? She camped out in the bushes of your rival house for two days trying to spy on the enemy. You don’t like your hair? (Ok, I’m not over my hair yet), she broke off all of her nails trying to attack the manager of Hobby Lobby when he told her she would have to wait for the next shipment coming in to get such an “absurdly large number of rhinestones.”
She’s a psychopathic mental case, and if you’re lucky you will one day be as driven and talented as she is. But until that day you need to know how to deal with the great irrational one. Remember, she gives the orders, but suggestions are taken into consideration, so suggest alternatives to murder when she is upset: “I totally see that Kelly’s nail polish is the wrong shade of red. Why don’t I paint her nails the right shade. I have the color you picked out in my bag! You are so smart!” “Yes Meredith did gain a little weight, but I don’t think cutting off her “fat head” will solve everything. How about I take her to mall, discreetly get her a pair of spanks and she and I will hit the elliptical right after. K?” “Ok. So the guy at Home Depot told you that XYZ house just bought ten gallons of Martha Stewart Ladybug red and you were going to buy the same color. We don’t know what they are doing with it, so lets step away from the lighter fluid and stop talking about burning their house down. Very loudly. Arson is bad PR. Oh look at this color! Mimosa! So presh, right?!”
Yes she gives Charlie Sheen a run for his money in the insanity department, but she has the burden of making sure that you get the best quality pledge class possible. And if you don’t? Everyone blames her for the shit job she did. That’s a pressure that cannot be judged by anyone until they are in that position. She is the kind of woman that will run the world one day so do what she says, when she says it, and stay on her good side at all costs. Unless that cost is mass murder. Mass murder is bad. But even worse, it’s bad PR.