Is the rule that you’re never supposed to talk about sex or that you always are? I just can’t keep it straight. The fact of the matter is that sex is one of the easiest things to talk about, because it’s something that everyone around 16 and older can relate to. Talking about it is important. I’m not afraid to admit that judge my friendships a little bit based on how much we talk about our love lives. If we’re barely friends, I expect only to know who you’re regularly fucking; if we’re best friends, I expect to know in which direction and to what degree your boyfriend’s penis curves. It’s that middle ground that gets a little shaky. You hear both arguments all the time.
“She’s so annoying. Like, sorry, but I don’t want to hear about your multiple orgasms everyyyyy fucking morning. Nobody cares. Also, nobody believes you.”
“She’s so weird–suuuuper private about everything in bed. She literally just sat there when we were exchanging first blow job stories. Like, hello? Girlfriends talk about sex. That’s what we do.”
Both arguments have merit. Both are equally weird. Both are equally annoying. It seems like there’s no winning. If a man heard this logic, he’d look, roll his eyes, and add another log to the “women are crazy” fire. But it’s not crazy–not at all. There are rules. There’s a right way to talk about sex. It’s when women break the rules that we get annoyed. Acceptable sex talk doesn’t have so much to do with your relationship with the other women as it does with their relationship to the men.
He’s A Very Regular Hookup Or A Boyfriend
I’m going to be frank. No one wants to hear about the sex you’re having with your boyfriend unless it’s bad. Or weird. Or absolutely amazing due to a new trick one of you learned, which can later benefit us. That’s one of the downfalls of being in a relationship. Your missionary sex is not only uninteresting to you–it’s pretty uninteresting to everyone else, as well. In fact, it’s almost kind of gross. He’s not a mystery man. He’s Dave. I don’t want to picture Dave’s weird grunting, and I definitely don’t want to picture yours. Trust me, when he finally convinces you to let him try anal, I’m all ears. I’ll tell you what kind of lube to use, assure you it’s normal when you leak, and ask you specifically about just how badly it hurt. For now, however, you don’t get to contribute to sex talks unless it’s a general statement. Not only is it rude to brag about an active sex life to someone who is in a nearly-exclusive relationship with her vibrator, but “we had sex last night, and we both came” isn’t all that cool. That’s what should be happening, and you don’t get a gold star for doing what you’re supposed to do.
He’s A Semi-Regular Hookup
If you’re hooking up with a guy approximately once every other weekend, it’s not exactly shocking when you wake up in his bed. However, you’re still at a point in your not-relationship that you need to tell your friends about it every time it happens, as a courtesy. By this point, we know he’s a solid 6 inches, that his right ball is bigger than his left, and that his moves (like those of every other college sophomore) are mediocre. We already know what happened: “We drank vodka sodas and went back to his place for a postgame, but his roommates actually weren’t back yet. We proceeded to have sex, I’m, like, 98 percent sure we used a condom, and I didn’t even bother to fake an orgasm.” Repeating it tends to get redundant. If something interesting happened, though–if he accidentally told you he loved you, if you called him by the wrong name, if either party threw up, if he couldn’t get it up, or if he finally looked up “How To Perform Cunnilingus”–do tell. We’re here to give you advice, of course, and we’re very much here for the gossip.
He’s A First-Time Hookup Or A One-Night Stand
The first time you sleep with someone, it’s absolutely your right–your duty, really–to explicitly describe every single detail of your evening.
What did you drink? What does he do? Where does he live? Does he have roommates? Did your panties have a period stain on them? Did he see it? Did you fake it? Did he go down? Did you go down? What positions did you try? Did anyone make any weird sounds? Did you acknowledge them? Did he get your number? Do you want to hear from him? How’d you get home? Tell. Us. Everything.
One-night stands are exciting and interesting. They’re different. And likely, you’re the only one in your entire group of friends who had sex with somebody new last night. Don’t deprive of us of every juicy detail. Remind us how exciting it is when you first meet a new guy. Remind us how awful it is when you first sleep with a new guy. Give us all the collective power that comes from knowing what a guy’s dick looks like. Be a team player, here. Don’t hold back. We promise not to judge as long as you don’t judge when we’re the ones telling stories. This is what friendships are made of.
Image via girimallika
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
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