The Rules And Regulations Of Having First Class Sex

First Class Sex

Welcome aboard, ladies and gentlemen. We’re so glad you chose Sexsational Airlines today! Before takeoff, we’d like to remind you of a few things that you should (and shouldn’t) do during today’s intercourse journey. By following our guidelines, we can ensure that you will have a safe, memorable journey to pleasure town.

Before you decide to fuck with us today, be sure to repeat your hookup’s name in your head a few times. It’s a complete violation of our terms and conditions to mix him/us up with the guy/girl from last night.

Next, put your seat backs and tray tables up in their full upright position. In other words, make sure his member is locked and loaded in a condom. If for some (absurd) reason you don’t know how to put on a condom, just ask any girl walking home at 9 a.m. with her shoes in hand and her mascara smudged. She should be able to give you some tips.

When consuming alcohol during this trip, be sure to use caution and control. Not only can being inebriated make you mix up your hookups’ names, it can affect other areas, as well. We are all fully aware that alcohol sometimes gets the best of you, and we are not (I repeat: we are not) whiskey-dick shaming anyone. The ladies of Sexsational Airlines just want the emphasize that if you know the engine won’t start, don’t make us rev it for two hours. It’s that’s the case, please exit the aircraft immediately and schedule a raincheck.

Always put your phones in airplane mode. The last thing you want is for him to snap a pic of you naked to show his buddies. While it’s somewhat flattering, and yes, we know that we look good, be sure to fuck someone who has a little decency. The fun of the trip stops when your naked snapchat is the topic of the group frat chat. Here at Sexsational Airlines, we have a natural ability to find out about anything and everything someone might try and hide, including the “secret” pic that was taken of us. Disclaimer: If you choose to disregard these rules, at least consider turning the flash off.

Today’s journey will be long (and hard) so don’t forget to stretch. Most of us here love the idea of exercise without actually exercising. Occasionally when we feel the need to work out, we just go to yoga and sit in child’s pose the whole time (because yes, that still counts as doing yoga). All things considered, our flexibility is sub-par. When you grab our legs and position them behind our heads, an internal alarm is immediately set off. The following are some of the messages Sexsational Airlines will receive when an overeager passenger is stretching the limit of his partner.

“Yes those are my legs.”
“They won’t go any further.”
“OUCH, motherfucker. I guess they do go that far.”
“Wow, I’m gonna feel this in the morning.”
“This doesn’t even feel good anymore.”
“Let me put my goddamn legs down!”
“No, my grunting isn’t out of pleasure; it’s out of pain.”

We can not emphasize enough how important it is to stretch before and during flights. That being said, it is not the responsibility of Sexsational Airlines if you pick a dumb-as-fuck partner who doesn’t understand how the human body works. The airline will not be responsible for any sore muscles, shaking legs, or the inability to walk the following day. So passengers, let us decide how far we’re willing to stretch our legs for you. Bonus deal: If you treat your partner right, there’s a chance you can be upgraded to our top class seats, which involve your partner actually doing yoga to increase flexibility.

We do thank you again for fucking with Sexsational Airlines today! Now please, sit back, relax, and enjoy your journey. We hope you fuck with us again real soon.

Image via Shutterstock

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All things I like to do are made better with wine. I wish I could create a realistic resume of actual experiences I've had throughout my drunken, unpredictable life. If I could, my special skills would include: going out broke and coming back drunk, enduring conversations with boys who don't understand my vocabulary, chugging coffee like it's water, and breaking-and-entering past party houses to find my lost shit.

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