Gather around, kids, because you’re about to attend the most important science class of your life since junior high chemistry. For centuries, scholars and scientists have been trying to unlock the secrets behind the mysterious inner workings of fuckboys. What makes up their genes? What DNA do they all share? What sort of human hybrid are they?
Well we’re about to do what Aristotle could not. Behold: the science behind fuckboys.
Ego Is Everything
The classic ’90s cartoon character Johnny Bravo’s ego lives on inside fuckboys. Who knew that wearing Sperrys, Ray Bans, and trolling around campus with a smug expression and at least 2-4 of your brothers entitled you to enough self-confidence to cure an entire class of high school girls of their insecurities. Ego is essential to the fuckboys survival. It’s the shield they wield against the predators they encounter (guys that could kick their ass and girls who don’t fall for their shit.)
Another key component that has been discovered in the fuckboys DNA is daddy issues. It is common to believe slutty girls are the only ones with daddy issues, but slutty boys have more daddy issues than a stripper headlining the main stage. These issues can be obsessively striving for an absent father’s approval that they never got when they were young leaving them feeling not “man enough” Cue the emotionally inept fuckboy. Or the fuckboy could be rebelling against daddy for how he raised him. Cue pastor’s son who is now living the life of a cheap hooker in Vegas. Remember: if he asks you to call him daddy he’s a fuckboy.
The Need To Impress Their Friends
Similar to their daddy issues, fuckboys also feel the need to constantly be showing off for their friends. They may preach about “bros” but all of these men lowkey hate each other and root for one another to fail. This is because fuckboys only desire personal success. They must always be on top. The ultimate alpha male. They compete with one another for the spot of Top Dog by seeing who can sleep with the most girls, who can shotgun a beer fastest, and who’s the best at being mediocre at intramural sports. Don’t be alarmed if you see a couple of fuckboys trying to bar fight each other while blacked out. It’s just them in their natural habitat.
The ultimate top secret hidden trait that a fuckboy guards with his life is that every single one of them is compensating for something. There’s something about them that they are so in denial about that if brought up to them by an opponent they will shrivel up and die like a succulent that hasn’t been watered in three months. This hidden kryptonite could be a small penis, they skip leg day and it shows, or they’re a lightweight. If you discover this hidden secret and confront the fuckboy about it be prepared for him to never speak to you again and for him to quickly look away if you happen to see him and make eye contact.
To summarize our studies have found that fuckboys are just scared little boys that act like dicks to look cool. We now start research on a cure..
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