The Senior Bitch

It’s her senior year and she loves this sorority more than she’s ever loved anything, but she has a funny way of showing it. She was always on the “watch out for her at Crush Party” list and was constantly told “you can’t say that in public.” The only thing that outnumbers the times she was sent to standards is the number of times she should have been sent to standards. She’s always divulged her opinions about everything to everyone privately because she respected the older girls, but after four years of developing her reputation as a troublemaker she’s finally allowed to engage in whatever debauchery she pleases with absolutely no consequences. She can no longer be silenced. It’s not an official position, but it might as well be, because without fail, every year, there is a Senior Bitch.

Your sorority doesn’t technically haze but listening to her bitch might feel like it. Recruitment practice…forget it. When your recruitment chair feels the need to be polite…she doesn’t:

“GIRLS!!! FUCKING LISTEN TO SAM! IT’S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD! I don’t need to be here right now! I don’t CARE how hungover you are. You don’t think all of the seniors are hung over? I haven’t been fucking sober since 2008, my whole life is a fucking hangover, and I’m doing what’s been asked of me. I have these fucking conversation starters on auto-pilot and I can jump and clap and sing these songs in my sleep. As a matter of fact, I do jump and clap and sing this song in my sleep. You know what? It’s like you girls don’t even fucking care. These are YOUR littles. If you want the chapter to go to shit, that’s on you. I’m graduating. I don’t get it. You know what to do. JUST FUCKING DO IT!”

It’s not chapter without her putting her two cents in and if there’s an emergency we-need-to-yell-at-everyone-for-something meeting just pray she’s on the opposite side of the room. As much as you want to tell her to shove it sometimes, that’s the last thing you’d ever do. She’s fucking terrifying, and you might actually prefer to cut up all of your credit cards and never MO again than be on her bad side. Most new girls are having trouble remembering all the seniors’ names because of their lack of attendance at everything, but everyone knows who the Senior Bitch is. When her g-little back-sasses her in your presence your heart skips a beat, and despite how many times you’ve heard “she’s really not that scary when you get to know her” you can’t understand why all the juniors and seniors literally LOVE her.

Even though she’s never held any type of position and spent most of her time avoiding authority, she’s somehow tricked everyone into thinking that when she speaks it means something. It doesn’t. She’s just the only senior left who still feels like yelling. Don’t be too scared of her. She actually is a nice person when you get to know her. She’s just depressed about g-wording in a few months, and this is her fucked up way of saying she’s going to miss you. You’ll understand when someone from your PC is the Senior Bitch, but for now, just take it with a grain of salt, and remember that in a few short months she’ll pass her bitch baton onto someone new.

Email this to a friend

Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

New Stories

Load More