Senior farewell speeches are emotional, powerful, and mostly, boring as shit. Everyone says the same things. Your average sister will stand up, denote her love to her sisters, proclaim how much the chapter has changed her, give shout-outs to the people she loves just a little bit extra, advise that the newest pledge class cherish their time here, and then cry. You are dying for a break from the monotony of it all. Enter the ruler of Blackout City in the Land of Bad Decisions. The senior class’s biggest liability issue will hop off her hot mess pedestal to give a speech. It won’t be sentimental and it won’t make anyone cry, because party girls only cry when vodka makes them. Her speech will be crude, it will be embarrassing, and it will probably go a little something like this:
I’m a little nervous, I didn’t really prepare anything. I know everyone says that and then they stare at a sheet of paper, but I figured I’d get in trouble for premeditating what I’m about to say, so I actually didn’t.
I’d like to start out by addressing PC ‘13. I hear you all think I’m scary. I know that I’m obviously devastatingly beautiful and slightly boisterous during recruitment, but scary? I’m really not. What you might be interpreting as scary is actually just me being really fucking funny. I suppose there is a fine line between funny and bitchy, but if you think for one second that means I need to be better at making jokes and not that you need to get better at hearing them, then that just shows how much you have to learn. Rule 1: I’m a senior, so I’m always right.
One among you will be me your senior year, and it’s good to be me. Don’t forget that. More importantly, I wanted to take the time to talk to you, because no one else is doing so. Aside from maybe your great grandbig, most of the girls giving two-minute speeches tonight (mine WILL be longer than two minutes, by the way, try to stop me, Alexa), probably haven’t addressed you this entire year, unless it was to yell at you to clap harder. You can pretty much count on the fact that most of these speeches will not be directed towards you. During senior farewell my freshman year, I wanted to kill myself, and I’m sorry that you’re probably all feeling that way, but keep these two things in mind, and it will make speeches more bearable:
1. We didn’t haze you when you were new members, so you pretty much deserve this.
2. It could be worse. No one is up here right now thanking her pledge sisters for supporting her while she gave birth to her twins. Be grateful, because that happened at senior farewell my freshman year.
While I’m on the subject of PC ‘13, I do have to give a special shoutout to my gg-little. You’re a descendent of me, and that’s a big bra to fill, but you did pretty badass at family initiation, even though you cried *cough* pussy *cough.* I think I did too this year, from what I can remember, which reminds me I’d like to thank my entire extended family for putting up with my shenanigans all the time. Every court needs a jester slash princess slash attention whore who cries in the bathroom about being underappreciated even after having done nothing to garner appreciation, am I right? Anyway, GG, and all of the babies in my family, I have faith that you’ll be able to successfully carry on the legacy my pledge sisters and I have left for you, meaning you will be able to outdrink the rest of this sorority, and continue to find littles who are willing to do the same.
PC ‘09, we are a family. We have watched each other show up, throw up, and grow up, and by grow up I mean realize that vodka cranberries are for amateurs. We have spent every significant day this year (including Valentine’s Day) together, drunk on a patio rather than with our men…that we don’t have. I’m sure we definitely would have chosen to do so anyway, though, because abandoning the person who you’ve convinced to be your boyfriend in pursuit of a blackout with your pledge class is what sisterhood is all about. If it is written in stone somewhere that every pledge class eventually morphs into the new ugly seniors, which is the only explanation I have for this phenomenon, I’m glad I did it with all of you. I will cherish all the times we’ve had together, from bid day, to pledge class dinners, to the time I made a scene because I shaved my vagina perfectly so I’d better end up with a guy that night (I didn’t, by the way), I’ve had you girls beside me through it all, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
I’m going to keep the individual shout-outs brief, but you’re all out of your minds if you thought I’d spare you.
Andrea: You were my first friend in this sorority. From the moment you snuck me into your room before our “dry” bid party and complained that the mixed drink (that I was convinced was straight vodka) had “way too much lemonade” in it, I knew we’d be great friends. I don’t regret our now-bigs sneaking us out of our bid party within the first hour, and I don’t regret any of the subsequent standards meetings since.
Sara: You’re lucky you’re so pretty, and I say that with love. There’s no denying my life would be less wonderful without you in it. You’re one of a kind, but I think that’s a good thing. One person driving two hours on the interstate at night without her headlights turned on is plenty in this world, and while I’ll never drive with you again, I love you all the same. It’s also time someone told you: the reason guys are so interested in Mittens is because he isn’t what they’re expecting a picture of when you say “Do you wanna see my cat?”
Alison: You are smart, beautiful, funny, and I’m so lucky to have you in my life. You provide me with endless laughter, and the comfort that comes with knowing that I’m not actually the craziest person I know. “Sisterhood retreats” to student health for Plan B wouldn’t be as judgment-laden without you, and dating a guy with a disorder recognized by the DSM-IV just wouldn’t have been the same if you weren’t dating a fellow psychopath, simultaneously.
Brittany: I’m so grateful for you. I’m grateful for your insight, for our three-hour-long lunches (JUST SALADS, PEOPLE, DON’T FREAK OUT), and for the fact that you were around this New Year’s Eve, when I needed someone to kiss. I know you’ll always be part of my life, because even if not for you, I’ll keep visiting your parents’ house to see your dad. He’s almost as hot as you are.
Little: Where are you? Hiiii pretty. Umm. Sorry about the past three years. I really meant to hold your hair back and hide you from standards, but I guess it always worked out that I was the one who ended up with her face in the toilet first. You’re the most precious, nuggety, little munchkin I’ve ever seen, and it’s weird, because I don’t normally like blondes, but you’re just so perfect that I love you anyway. You’ll do just fine without me, littlebutt. Keep my favorite bar stool warm for me.
Sam: You’re my best friend in the entire world and instead of doing the whole emotional thing right now, I’m just going to not. Sorry I’m not sorry. I am however, sorry for barging into the room, screaming the word “penis” because you told me the guy you were with had a big one, and pretty much ruining whatever chance you had at that going anywhere. Life’s rough. Choose your post-grad friends more wisely.
Joking aside, I will say that I love this sorority so much. I love the fact that we’re down to drink whatever the time of day, and that we have more crush parties than date parties because nobody ever has a date. I might be generalizing, but at least I never have a date, so I’m assuming you all share my struggle. Whatever, sober sex is overrated. I love that you girls are okay with me falling asleep at the senior bar crawl my junior year, and again at the bar last night, but most importantly I love the fact that you’ve all made my experience at this school something I would never change. You are the most real, genuine, good people I’ve ever met and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the girls in this room. You are my family, you are my bridesmaids, you are my best friends, and you are my sisters.
And Standards, if you want to set up a meeting to discuss this speech, just text me, I’m sure you know my number by heart.