Isn’t it weird how in every respectable group of friends there is just like one slutty girl. Just one. I mean, there are tons of groups who are all slut all the time, but in your average, run-of-the-mill group of girlfriends, there’s normally one slut. And it’s weird, because you’d think similar girls would have similar standards, so how is it this one girl is so wild while the rest are so…not. There can only be one slut in a group because if there is more than one your girls get a bad rep, but without one wildcard, your crew instantly becomes a bunch of boring bitches with sticks up your asses. So of course, the only solution is a weird phenomenon that occurs, that I like to refer to as the slut baton.
Slutty comes in phases, and I like to view it as a relay race among a group of girlfriends. Not because you’re trying to rack up as many guys as possible or something, but because only one person is holding the baton at a time. The race begins with something big and sudden. Like the sound of a shotgun…or moving out of your parents’ home and going to college. It’s like soooo fun for everyone because like Wooo! College! Oh em gee! but one girl has the MOST fun. Maybe the leash was on a little too tight at home but she goes wild instantly while the remainder of your crew has your high school boyfriend back home, or fell in love immediately with the boy who lives down the hall, or are just downright intimidated by the idea of going out and going completely crazy with older college boys. So the lead leg starts out with the baton, going full force, finding you boys to hang out with, and making sure you have that crazy friend to tell your friends about back home over Thanksgiving.
Then eventually one of you, driven probably by attention, realizes that this other girl is having so much fun, living life, and boys love her (from your perspective anyway). You’re a little more comfortable in your surroundings and you’ve been toasting with YOLO every weekend for God knows how long, so you start slutting it up. Just like in a relay, you run together for a brief little bit, but eventually the first girl tires of her ways, realizes her time as the token slut is up, and passes the baton on to the next girl. She holds on for her slut phase, until one of you has a bad break-up, and needs to retaliate by making out with a bunch of random men. And so it goes on and on and on.
The reason the dynamic works is because you all have a little wild side in you, and totally understand what the other is going through so there is no judgment for it. You all know that being slutty for a year doesn’t make you an actual slut, in the same way that being super well-behaved for a year wouldn’t make you an actual good girl. You value the perfect balance, enjoy the stories of the baton holder, but mostly learn from your behavior, have fun while it lasts, and probably won’t revisit it once you’ve passed the baton, finished your race, and like…idk get married or something.
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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