I love my parents. I really, really do–but I also kind of hate them. They were responsible for raising me, for keeping me safe, for kissing my scraped knees, and regaling me with tales of princesses and castles. They did a great job with all of that. So while I’m thankful for the wonderful childhood and the china dolls and the Sweet Sixteen and the college tuition and the yada, yada, yada, I’m-a-privileged-white-girl stuff, I still have a giant bone to pick with them. Although they excelled in literally every other aspect of parenting, they screwed up on the most important, biggest decision they could ever make. They can’t take their decision back, and this choice has the ability to set me up for success or failure. I’m talking about my name.

My given name is Caitlin, but my parents never had any intention of calling me that. So, why not pick a different name, one might ask? Why not just name me something they actually liked? Why not name me something that, oh, I don’t know, wouldn’t set me up for a lifetime of identity issues matched only by a bipolar schizophrenic? But they couldn’t do that. Oh, no. Apparently calling your child the name you put on his or her birth certificate was simply too much for my mom and dad. So, instead of going by Caitlin, a nice, normal, common name, my parents decided to call me Catie–with a C. It’s a name so ridiculous, so absurd, and so incorrect, that it quite literally defies every single standard held by Western Civilization. My name is Catie with a C, I have a weirdly spelled name, and my whole life has been a struggle.

1. You know those miniature blue license plates with the names they sell at gas stations and aquarium gift shops? Guess whose name they didn’t have? Yours.
2. Spellcheck thinks your name is a mistake. Seriously, each little red squiggle is a not-so-subtle reminder of how much your parents hate you.
3. You misspelled your own name until you were nine.
4. There’s no telling what the barista wrote on your Starbucks cup.
5. Substitute teachers taking roll was the bane of your existence as a child.
6. Classroom Valentines featured 27 different ways to spell your name–not one of them was correct.
7. You really identified with Topanga on “Boy Meets World.”
8. People just snap at you or wait for you to look at them if they need your attention.
9. You’ve seriously considered changing your name. If Miley can do it, so can you.
10. “How come you don’t spell your name the normal way?”
11. It’s been assumed that English is not your parents’ first language.
12. Your parents justified their decision to name you something weird because they wanted you to be unique–because what every seventh grader wants more than anything is to stand OUT from the crowd.
13. You have approximately 1,283 nicknames because people think your name is a joke, anyway.
14. Your name has been pronounced as “kllliiiiiieeeeredfgdg.”
15. No one takes you seriously.
16. You envy the Johns and Marys of the world. Life must be so easy.
17. Your normally named siblings make it abundantly clear that you are the least favorite.
18. Celebrities who name their children strange names make you irrationally angry. Like, they do not understand what they’ve done.
19. When giving out your number, it becomes a race between you spelling your name, and them assuming–and inherently spelling it incorrectly.
20. As a result, your name is wrong in more than half of your friends’ phones.
21. Your children will have the most generic, normally spelled names in the Western language.
22. There is no origin for your name. It came to be in your parents’ sick, twisted minds. That’s it. No cool history for you.
23. Siri exists just to taunt you.

Nice Move189

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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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