Columns

The Super Bowl, As Defined By A Sorority Girl

The Super Bowl, As Defined By A Sorority Girl

Ball Carrier
Actual Definition: Player with possession of the ball.
Girl Definition: Having to take possession of his balls.

Blind Side
Actual Definition: The opposite direction that a player is facing.
Girl Definition: When a guy sneaks up behind you at the bar and starts to grind with you without your permission.

Blitz
Actual Definition: Additional players rush the quarterback to try and tackle him.
Girl Definition: Rushing past someone walking into Starbucks to get in front of them in line. Occasionally, pushing and shoving may be used.

Broncos
Actual Definition: Denver, Colorado’s football team.
Girl Definition: Multiple Sarah Jessica Parkers.

Bump and Run
Actual Definition: A technique the defense uses to slow down the offensive by bumping into the players to keep them from moving.
Girl Definition: Sneaking out of a guy’s bedroom during the middle of the night.

Coin Toss
Actual Definition: Coin flipped at the beginning of the game to determine who kicks off.
Girl Definition: Flipping a coin to see who takes care of your vomming friend.

Controlling the Clock
Actual Definition: Having control of the football for an extended period of time.
Girl Definition: Trying to control how many drinks you have in an hour to maintain a steady buzz the whole night, usually resulting in getting bombed within the first hour of the night.

Delay of Game
Actual Definition: A penalty against the team with the ball for taking too long to snap the ball.
Girl Definition: Taking a few minutes before a hookup to freshen up, usually to put on much sexier underwear.

End Zone
Actual Definition: 10-yard section at the end of the field.
Girl Definition: Butt stuff, always avoid.

Extra Point
Actual Definition: Kicking the ball through the goalposts after a touchdown.
Girl Definition: Taking home a shacker shirt.

Face Mask
Actual Definition: The bars attached to the front of a player’s helmet to protect his face.
Girl Definition: Throwing a drink in a sleazy guy’s face.

Free Agent
Actual Definition: A player who is not under a contract with a team.
Girl Definition: A newly single guy.

Fumble
Actual Definition: When the offense player loses control of the football before the end of the play.
Girl Definition: Getting too drunk on a date and having to go home early.

Huddle
Actual Definition: When players discuss the next play on the field.
Girl Definition: Dancing in a circle so no guys can get inside to ruin girls’ night.

Illegal Formation
Actual Definition: Not having enough players on the line of scrimmage.
Girl Definition: A guy coming into a circled-up group of girls dancing. Must be removed immediately.

Offensive Holding
Actual Definition: When on offensive player keeps a defensive player from moving by grabbing him with his hands or arms.
Girl Definition: When a friend of yours is being a Mother Hen, and won’t let anyone make out with some rando at the bar.

Omaha
Actual Definition: No idea.
Girl Definition: No idea.

Safety
Actual Definition: When the defense pushes the offense all the way back to the opposite end zone, awarding them two points.
Girl Definition: Wearing granny panties to guarantee you won’t hook up with anyone when you go out.

Seahawks
Actual Definition: Seattle Washington’s football team.
Girl Definition: A slang term used to describe a nosey girl.

Two-Minute Warning
Actual Definition: Referee’s timeout at the end of each half to indicate two minutes remaining in the half.
Girl Definition: Everyone is leaving to go to a new party or the bars. Chug your drink!

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Babe Lincoln

Babe Lincoln (@Babe__Lincoln) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."

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