The Talking Phase Is Ruining My Life

The Talking Phase Is Ruining My Life

Our generation has come up with this really awesome “getting to know you” phase of relationships that is actually some type of all-encompassing torture. The “talking” phase is basically a tiny devil on your shoulder just waiting for it to hit the fan. It’s a period of overanalyzing, overthinking, and uncertainty. Two people express interest in each other, but they aren’t exclusive. Because putting yourself through the struggles of a relationship without even being in the official relationship is our idea of a good time.

One minute, everything’s great. He’s texting you back, you’re procrastinating your homework because finding out if you two are more like Noah and Ally or Sandy and Danny is more important than school. Then BAM. Out of no where, you’re with three of your friends, on your bedroom floor, deciphering texts like mad scientists, looking for any possibility or inkling that he may have the same feelings as you have. We make this way harder and way more stressful on ourselves than it should be. Do you honestly think “talking” was a thing 30 years ago? If you do, try explaining to your parents what your relationship status is with Jason, who feeds you enough bulls*t to keep you feeling exclusive, but still has his ex as his Snapchat best friend. What’s the point of “talking” anyway?

1. There’s No Gauge For How Long It Will Last
Basically, the ball’s in the court of whoever cares less. If you play it cool and make him fall in love, then maybe — just maybe — he will want to date you within a reasonable time frame. Talking shouldn’t last longer than two months. Get to know the person, find out if your babies would be pretty, and make that sh*t official. When something does go wrong and your future love life is cut before it started, at least you didn’t waste too much of your precious time. On to da next, boy bye.

2. How Much is Too Much
This will turn us into over obsessive monsters. You took the cutest picture ever with your not-so-significant other. Is it too soon to post it? Do you tag him in it? WTF would the caption be without sounding too clingy? Do you add emojis? Is he going to like it or better yet, comment on it? He should comment an inside joke so everyone knows we’re totally together. He probably won’t post a cute comment, ugh. OK, if he isn’t willing to comment something cute then he isn’t worth my time. Forget the picture.

3. Your Not-So-Significant-Other and His Texting Games

Why would he like three of my Instagrams but not text me back? What is he doing? What is he trying to say when he likes my Instagrams? He’s probably with a girl. She’s probably his girlfriend now. Actually, no, maybe my phone service is messing up. Let me text some of my friends to make sure my texts are going through. He’s gay now, omg, he just realized he’s gay. Or maybe he forgot to pay his bill. He’s kinda lazy, maybe his phone is shut off. Honestly, hope he didn’t die. WHAT?! LAST ACTIVE ON FACEBOOK TWO MINUTES AGO?! Literally done. Deleting his number and forgetting about him. He wasn’t that cute anyway, honestly. I’m way prettier


*replies within three minutes.

4.Wanting To Be Crazy AF, But Not Being Able To Go Full Psycho Girlfriend b/c No “girlfriend” Title. 
This is one of the worst. You’re probably at your craziest in this stage, because you’re overanalyzing everything. Honestly, you have zero idea of who else this person could be talking to, and you can’t do much about it. Privacy is still a “thing” you need to respect, because you aren’t dating. You can’t just ask him why a hot blonde with considerably huge boobs just became his Facebook friend. You can’t just casually bring up his ex girlfriend and ask him who’s prettier on the spot. You can’t threaten to break up with him because he didn’t bring you Chipotle. When he cancels on you last minute due to a “family issue,” you can’t act mad about it, even though you’re overthinking every possible scenario of plans he has that don’t include you. I mean honestly.

5. He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Dating You
He won’t take forever and a day to text back if he really likes you. Don’t keep giving into him when he takes hours to reply. He isn’t worth your time. He isn’t dead, his phone isn’t broken, and he’s not climbing a mountain. If he wanted to text you, he’d be texting you. If a guy likes you, he will make time for you. Don’t fall for the fuckboy who plays those mind games for months just to keep you on your toes. Playing into his ego isn’t worth losing your own self-esteem. He probably isn’t that cute anyway, let’s be real. Sometimes I find myself hyping a guy up to be this freaking awesome dude when in the end, he kind of sucks, like a lot, but you just want someone, anyone. But eventually you’ll realize: don’t be the girl who needs a man, be the girl a man needs.

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Ke$ha is my alter ego. I'm a firm believer in the color black, stilettos, and red lipstick. Manhattan is my motive.

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