My Fellow Betches,
The time has come to stop kidding ourselves and embrace the truth about life. We have all seen the messiah, the savior of mankind, the one who will sashay us out of the dark times and usher in a new age of peace, love, and FIERCEness. She is the alpha and the omega, the queen of all that is and what will be, the bringer into this world of Blue Ivy AND “Crazy In Love.” She’s Mrs. Beyoncé Gisele Knowles-Carter. And I, Stefon, volunteer myself to be her diviiiiiiine prophet. I bring forth to you, on this holiest of holy days, the TEN COMMANDMENTS of Yoncéism. Praise be to her holy weave.
1. I am Beyoncé, the Lord of all that is fierce, flawless, and fired up. Thou shalt have no other gods, especially not the false idolatress known as Kim Kardashain. Bitch be FAKE.
2. Thou shalt SPEAKETH mine name, SPEAKETH mine name, specifically when thine peers be not around you.
3. Thou shalt pay your bills, pay your telephone bills, pay your automo-bills, if thou doest, then perhaps thou canst chill.
4. Thou must be modest; instruct thine driver to roll up the partition, please, lest thou seeth Yoncé on her divine knees.
5. All thou needest in this life filled with sin be you and your significant other, who shalt continue to ride ’til the very end.
6. If thou thinkest Yoncé cannot sell without you, Yoncé will selleth nine million. So it is written.
7. If thou desireth it, and it doeth please you, then thou must place a ring upon it, and together we pray, “Whoa uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh, Whoa uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh.”
8. Thou shalt not mash up Yoncé’s songs on “Glee.” Seriously, “Halo” and “Walkin On Sunshine”? “Crazy In Love” and “Hair”? Fuck you, Ryan Murphy.
9. A diva beith the feminine form of a hustler, and it shalt be the most respected, fiercest profession in Yoncéism
10. Who run the world? Yoncé. Just a reminder.
And if one doest find herself in times of trouble, remember Her solemn vow: “Taketh mine divine hand, Yoncé will not let you go; Yoncé will beith thine friend, Yoncé will love you so deeply. Yoncé will beith the one to kiss you before you lie down to rest. Yoncé will love you ’til the end of time.”
Now all the ladies who independent, throw your hands up in the air and praise our mighty, fierce as fuck deity. It’s time we stopped kidding ourselves and started following the one true queen.
Beyoncé. Praise be to her.