Congratulations. Somehow you managed to hide the crazy long enough for him to stick around, and it’s time to meet his mom. You put on your cutest “meet the parents” outfit, spend hours making your hair look effortlessly perfect, and rehearse conversations in your head to make sure you don’t fuck up and sound like a bimbo and/or psycho. He’s said great things about her of course, but you never know how she’ll react to the “other woman” in his life. There are a few different ways mothers treat their baby boys and how you should handle each type.
1. The Helicopter Mom
In my experience, this type of mother is the most common. She held her baby’s hand throughout high school. She enrolled him in private lessons in sports so he’d go on to be a starter, she paid for tutors to bump his SAT scores up to an acceptable range, and she ALWAYS volunteered to organize his class’s end-of-year parties, charity events, and field days. Unfortunately, his diploma did not magically sever her overbearing ties to your boyfriend. She still texts him on the reg, and if you’re not careful, she’ll start texting you all the time, so that you may relay some irrelevant piece of information to your man, fully knowing he couldn’t care less about it. She is on the parents’ council at school, which means semi-regular visits to campus while you plaster a smile on your face and nod innocently, ignoring all the evil thoughts in your head. I even know a guy whose mom would drive an hour and a half (one way) to get his laundry, just to have a face-to-face conversation with her kid. She could be super sweet. You could be the daughter she never had (even if he has sisters)…or she could be a nightmare, and it will feel like you’re in a relationship with his mother, too. It’s best to respond to her texts with as few words as possible (but not curtly), ensure your interactions with her are fairly brief, and try not to bitch about her to your man too much or else he will hate you for derailing his pseudo-Oedipus complex.
2. The Mom Who’s Given Up
Opposite of the Helicopter mom is the mother who has simply stopped parenting. She holds the mentality that her son’s personality is fully developed (disregarding the neuroscience that the frontal lobe doesn’t fully develop until 25, but whatever) and is perhaps too involved in her own career to keep up with her child’s shenanigans any longer. If her son is extremely motivated intrinsically, he’ll turn out to be a lovely independent man without an annoying mother (#winning). However, if he’s like the typical college male, he’ll prioritize beer and frat tanks over GPA and resume-fluffing activities. Without his mother lighting a fire under his ass, you may end up with a lazy sack of shit who aspires to be a well-kept man for the rest of his life. Don’t automatically blame a guy for his shitty parents, but don’t say I didn’t warn you either. With this type of mother, keep the conversation focused on her and her accomplishments; that’s what she’s focusing on now anyway. Maybe throw in some bullshit about how seriously her son takes his academics, that way she won’t feel like she failed as a mother (even if she did). This type of mom could also be incredibly into the party scene, because she no longer gives a fuck, so take advantage of that if you can.
3. The Mom Who “Gets It”
The final type of mother is the one you pray for. She’s around enough to have a general understanding of her son’s life, but she respects his boundaries and understands that he has his own life now. She appreciates any time that her son devotes to their relationship without being needy about it. She’s not offended when he blows off dinner plans to have sex with you, which is always a plus. She’ll initially welcome you with open arms and have no negative preconceived notions of the bitch who’s stealing her son (read: you). She may send you the occasional text if she happens across something you’ll like, but not to the point where seeing her name on your phone makes you roll your eyes. When you establish that your man has this type of mother, first breathe a sigh of relief, then grab a bottle of wine for the two of you to split. Who knows, maybe you’ll marry your beau and actually look forward to seeing the in-laws.
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