Congratulations.
You did it.
You managed to do the impossible.
After countless drunken mistakes, unreturned texts from shitty–yes, shitty–guys, and pretending to be interested in sports for FAR too long, you snatched a boy. Excuse me, a MAN.
You have a MAN, and he is THE BEST.
Well, he’s a man and he’s the best when it’s you and him. Alone. When it’s you and him plus his friends, brothers, coworkers, or really anyone else, he’s a man-child with the maturity of a 14-year-old who just watched the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show for the first time.
It’s fascinating how the man-friend version of your guy and the nickname version of your guy (most likely his last name, some type of animal, or a horrific pledge name that you don’t really want explained) are two completely different people. Man-friend is awesome. Nickname guy makes your skin crawl.
It’s normal, it isn’t your fault, and you aren’t alone.
To prove my point (because it’s something I just LOVE to do) and to ease some of the pain you feel when he says “pussy” in front of you or walks out of the bathroom after you KNOW he didn’t wash his hands, I am here to give clear examples of the differences between the two guys you are dating (because honestly, it feels like he’s two completely different people). Now, you can be prepared in most situations.
Coming Up With Something To Do
Man-Friend: Will love your suggestion of going on a bike ride, watching “Orange is the New Black,” and then getting pedicures. Not to mention the fact that he’ll flirt and race with you, talk about how you’re prettier than “Hot Donna,” and pay.
Nickname: Will veto all of your suggestions, claiming that “biking is for bitches” (What?), “Orange is the New Black” is dumb (LIES), and pedicures don’t even feel that good (obviously he’s just trying to hurt you). The end result will be him shotgunning beers in the garage and you re-evaluating your life decisions.
A Night In
Man Friend: The evening is filled with a bottle of wine, a movie, and a round of “every body wins” sex. After a little game of footsie under the covers, you close the night out as you were meant to: as the little spoon.
Nickname: The evening is filled with a bunch of his friends playing World of Whatever while you sigh passive-aggressively from the couch for an hour until you give up and watch “Titanic” in his room. You will then become disturbingly elated when Jack dies–because if you can’t be happy, then neither can Rose.
Playing A Game
Man-Friend: Lets you pick the playing piece(s) you want. (The dog with the top hat. You make your own rules in Monopoly.) He shells out an extra $100 bucks when you pout, looks the other way when you land on his property, and in the end, lets you win.
Nickname: Teams up with his friends to take you down, denies the time he gave you an extra $100, and keeps talking (in that annoying macho voice) about the time he won the eighth grade Monopoly championship (he didn’t).
Going Somewhere in The Car
Man-Friend Lets you sit shotgun and pick the songs. He laughs at the “cute little toe prints” you put on the window with your feet and kisses you at stop lights.
Nickname: LOL shotgun? Girlfriend, you are in the back of the car with your hair blowing EVERY DIRECTION because those assholes just have to have the windows down. You stare at your phone since you can’t hear their conversation about basketball goals (Goals, right?) anyway.
At Dinner
Man-Friend: Pulls out your chair, pays for the meal, and splits dessert even though you’re “just so stuffed you couldn’t possibly eat anything else” (liar).
Nickname: Ignores you for the entire meal, except when he makes eye contact with you when it’s time to pay. The awkward moment that lasts just long enough that you have to say it’s a separate check isn’t just for first dates anymore.
A Night Out
Man-Friend: You go to a hip, secluded bar where he buys your drinks, talks to you about you future dreams, and plays bar games with you while laughing at every joke you make.
Nickname: You go to a shitty, crowded bar where he ignores you all night and you retreat to the corner with the one other girlfriend you know and hope the watered down vodka tonic will be enough to make you forget this night.
Nice Move239
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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