The Whiskey Dick Blues

The big day of his formal is finally here, and you impatiently sip on your Tervy, pretending every drop of H2O is as precious as Jose Cuervo. Unfortunately, you’ve recently encountered a double ear and sinus infection. This little gift of karma (for partying too much no doubt, sorry Jesus) forces you to be on 10 days of antibiotics. Although you’ve messed around with a few unexplainable pills in the past, death by a combination of antibiotics and alcohol just isn’t worth it. So here goes nothing…little ol’ sober you and your already plastered date. Bring it on karma.

The entire bus ride proves to be a shit show, and you might as well be the historian, because there is no way you let your friends live this down. As the bus approaches the hotel your date pulls out a handle of Southern Comfort, and continues to drink like a fish. You get off the bus praying to God no policemen are around, and then you find yourself in your room handcuff-free and in the mood for one thing: a nap. Unfortunately, it’s already time to get ready (let’s be honest those curls only look that good because they take that long), and as you finish touching up your Smokey eye you realize your date has sobered up enough to put on his suit. Good boy. After what seems like hours, pictures are over and everyone starts heading to dinner, but not before one more drink of course.

You sit through the whole meal and all you can think is “God it’s been three weeks since I’ve gotten any” and that’s the moment when you decide that (despite his obnoxious behavior) you are going to make a man out of your date. You march your totally-sober-yet-somehow-extremely-horny self right up to him and plant one on him. Done. He’s now dragging you to the elevator, because even in his drunken stupor he knows what’s about to happen. Suddenly you find yourself lip-locked, clothes gone, right where you want to be. That’s when it hits you. Nothing is actually happening. Sure he’s been kissing you like crazy, and you’re probably already got an unclassy hickey, but nothing has happened below the hipbones.

It makes no sense. Your hair looks amazing. Practically every person told you so. Your makeup is flawless. Those recruitment tricks don’t go to waste. Not to mention you’re feeling extra skinny. I mean what else is being sick good for? So why in the world can’t he get it up!?

Whiskey dick: (adj) when a male has become so intoxicated that he cannot become erect, therefore causing horrific embarrassment to him which he will not remember the next day, and also causing his date to be completely scarred for life and question everything about the night.

Now I know you’re probably thinking…

It’s because I’m fat.

Whatever you do girls, do not let your insecurities get the best of you. We all put on a confident front, but we all have things that we’re uncomfortable with. This, however, is not the time for that. Trust me, his lack of a hard-on has absolutely nothing to do with your physical appearance. Stop focusing on yourself and take a look at the nearly finished handle of liquor sitting next to the bed.

Ohmygawd he’s a virgin.

Although they will never admit it, there are still a few Virgin Harry’s in college and even in fraternities (usually freshmen). Yes, the fact that it has taken your date over a half hour to do anything besides kiss you (like a middle school boy playing 7 minutes in heaven) makes you question his experience or perhaps lack thereof, but do NOT accuse him of being a virgin. You might as well take out his man card and do a little tap dance all over it, because the chances of him talking to you after that accusation are about as slim as the chances of him actually being a virgin. It’s taking so long for him to get hard because in his completely atrocious state of inebriation it’s difficult for him to do anything. Ask him what 1 + 1 equals.

Maybe he’s found God.

Unless you went on a date with the religious fraternity or Tim Tebow, this one might catch you off guard. Let me be the first to say, never assume that the boy who downed almost an entire handle of whiskey and jumped into bed with you can’t get it up because he suddenly remembered him and Jesus are tight. Don’t think for even one second that waiting a little bit longer will suddenly cause everything to work. Make him try too hard and he could end up with a nose bleed, while you end up washing what you thought was slobber off your face and hiding the bloody sheet in the closet for the hotel maid to find later.

It’s happened to the best of us…a boytoy with a bad case of whiskey dick, but don’t let it bring you down. It might make you feel inadequate, like there is physically something wrong with you, but trust me it’s not you. It’s the SoCo. You might ask, well what the hell do I do now? Well girls, there’s only one thing to do. Once back on the neutral grounds of campus, go out, get wasted, and call up Mr. Flaccid and give him another shot. After all, he is cute…in an awkward kind of way.

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